A Cracked Pot

A water bearer had two large pots; each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it was meant to do. After years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, the cracked pot spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. 

"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have more work to do and you don't get full value from your efforts."

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they wend up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.  But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. 

The bearer said the the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day as we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may dwell in me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, and in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

This past Sunday, Nicole preached at St. Paul's CSI Church in Vadavathoor, about 15 minutes away from Kottayam. She included this story about the cracked pot, a story I have always loved. I identify more with the cracked pot than I ever have before. As I fight against anxiety, I too feel like I am a pot with a big gaping crack in the side, letting out precious water. I, like Paul, ask God what purpose my thorn serves. I too wish it were taken away from me. But He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

I ask Him questions, confronting Him with my feelings. God, I've been here almost three months. Why won't this anxiety leave me? I think I should be feeling more "normal" by now. Why don't I feel "normal?" Will I ever feel "normal" in India? What is "normal," anyhow? Why can't I just be healed of this right now? What purpose does this serve? Wouldn't I be better off without it?

I believe that my anxiety serves a purpose. Yes, I do wish it weren't there, but I believe that God allows it for many reasons, many beautiful reasons that I cannot yet see. I cannot yet know what purpose my brokenness will serve. But "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Rom. 8:28). I must remind myself continually that God knows what He's doing.

Perhaps we are a better servant to others if we, too, are struggling. As a servant, would I serve better without my anxiety? I think that we can identify more with other's pain in the midst of our own. True compassion comes from the open admission that we, too have known pain and weakness. Here, I am knowing weakness and confronting my own pain. Perhaps my compassion-well is deepening.

And perhaps this is so I can gain a more proper perspective of myself: less of me, more of Him. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace, as the hymn says. I am gaining new knowledge of his endless compassion and his faithful provision for all that I need. I depend on Him for strength and energy every hour of the day, and He never fails to provide. He sustains me.  

Being made painfully aware of my own shortcomings means that my understanding of God's perfection is deepened. After all, if I'm just fine on my own, would my strength be drawn from Him, the unending Source, or would it be drawn from my own shallow wells? I know that I would not be relying on Him as heavily as I am now if I were anxiety-free.

We all have our cracks. Some are incurred by others. Some are flaws in our design or our makeup, a thinning that eventually wears through. Some are a hairline fracture from many years ago than unexpectedly spring a leak. Whatever form they take, we all have them. They are what makes us who we are. 

Furthermore, when I stop and wonder where exactly I am I remind myself that I am right in the palm of God's hand. I am in the center of His mercies. I am drawing directly from the Source itself. In the devotional I read this month's theme is "compassion." Beth Moore writes, "God's compassion is always full, never fails and is ever new. The sun rises every morning on all the manna of mercy we'll need that day to make it. Even the manna we'll need to help someone else make it. Our rule must be to speak the language of love. We must keep lending God our empty hearts like bone-dry canteens and ask Him to pour forth into them His very own love (Rom. 5:5)." When I ask, "Where am I? How did I get here?" I tell myself that I am right in the center of God's will, and that there is no better place to be.

Furthermore, I must continually put things into perspective and realize that: 1) My sufferings are nothing compared to the sufferings of most of the people around me if I am willing to open my eyes and heart to see it. For example, the girls of the hostel have started opening up to me about some of their problems, and we have shed tears together. My sufferings have nothing on theirs or those of the people around me. Perspective.

2) Secondly, my God suffered all because of His love for you and for me. He has been exactly where I've been and know how it feels. 

I know that the things I suffer momentarily are nothing compared to His suffering for me. They are also nothing compared to His glory that will be revealed. "For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear...Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us " (Rom. 8 :14, 15a, 17, 18).

Lastly, I know that the difficulties I encounter here in India will serve to strengthen me and to strengthen my reliance on Him. My faith is being tested, as it ought to be. Why do we have trials? Because our faith is strengthened and proved genuine in fire. Peter writes "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Peter 1:7) I am being transformed and made stronger in many ways through this experience.

So maybe this anxiety will be conquered while I'm here, and maybe not. Maybe I never will be "normal" in India, whatever "normal" is. That does not matter. What matters is that I am obedient to Him. That means that I continue to live here and love and be loved by these people. That means that I smile even when I don't feel like smiling and I make a point of talking with others and being kind, even, and especially, when I don't feel like it. That means that I rely on His strength, day after day, to enable me to be faithful to Him, whether I'm feeling like it or not. I will keep working despite my discomfort and watch for how His strength is made perfect in my weakness. For nothing is impossible with You, God, and You promise that You haven't given me anything large than what I can handle with You.

I am going to close with three things my mother taught me about life. I continually remind myself of these truths my mother, the godliest person I know, repeats.

1) Life is not about happiness; it is about holiness. It is about serving God and following Him obediently. Only there can we find true happiness. Our joy will come eventually because we followed Him. But we must act in obedience first, stepping out in faith and following Him blindly. Life is not about happiness, but about becoming more like Him. 

2)  Feelings are not truth. Feelings are chemicals bouncing around in your brain. They are easily swayed. God's Word alone is truth. When you don't feel well, stop focusing on your feelings and focus on Truth itself.

3) My mother recently told me, "If I had to go through everything I've been through in life a second time, I would, because of how close it brought me to Jesus."Her faith is so strong that not only has she become closer to God through her trials, she would go through them a second time just to draw closer. May I strive to have the same faith.


"Be still, my soul; the Lord is on Thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul; thy best, thy Heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
-Be Still My Soul (to the tune of "Finlandia" by Sibelius)

YAV Retreat 2 & Many More New Experiences

Dear friends-

Hope you are all doing well. Please know that I so appreciate all your prayers and support and I love hearing from you. I feel as though I'm behind on sharing with you. Even though I've been posting recently, there are still so many special experiences & blessings that I haven't yet been able to share. As November is a holiday month for the college, my obligations at the college and at the hostel are much fewer, enabling me to spend more time on things like: blogging! I hope to spend more time at the area schools during this month until classes begin again at the college. But let me first rewind and share some experiences and blessings of the past few weeks.

I've started teaching a couple new little half-hour English classes at the college; one group I meet with is the Postgraduate English Literature students. I love meeting with them-they are vibrant and their excellent English allows for a higher level of interaction. We recently had a lively discussion about the differences & similarities in family structure and family ideals in India and the United States. (This even led gently into the topic of arranged marriage, but we will have to devote a separate class to that!) I am very thankful for this group of students and for what they're teaching me.

We have talked a little bit at the college about possibly doing a small musical. I held a meeting just to see what the interest might be on campus...not sure yet where this will lead, but it's an exciting prospect.

Our Kottayam Mixed Voices concert is coming up at the beginning of December, and I'm part of a small group of five women from the choir who are working on an a capella arrangement of Vivaldi's Spring. I wrote syllables for the entire movement, which was a task! This has been a really fun piece to do some work on and to rehearse.

A few Sundays ago, my teammate Nicole preached at Mandiram and did very well. My tutor, Shalu, came with me and Rachel was also there. Nicole will also be preaching this coming Sunday at a nearby church. For most of this last week, Nicole and Rachel were both in the hospital with a virus and infection, and were treated for dehydration. They are much better now, but please continue to pray for their recovery.

I continue to spend my Sundays in church and at choir rehearsal for both CSI Ascension Church Choir and Kottayam Mixed Voices. We're having extra rehearsals with church choir, and I'm blessed to have a lot of time to work with the choir. I really enjoy working with them and my time spent with them is productive and rewarding. Along with the Vivaldi group, I'm working with a female quartet from church on a few Christmas pieces.

I've started teaching at a new school one day a week, Baker Vidyapith, in the same compound as Baker Girls School, where I teach English and music. These high-school students are well behaved and a pleasure. Tomorrow will be my second day at Baker, and apparently they have a violin class which I am excited to visit.

I continue to teach my private voice student Jemima (we're now working on Faure's Le secret), and her talent and receptivity continue to amaze me. I've begun tutoring her in music theory as well. She recently bought me two pair of earrings as a thank-you for the lessons! Once a month Jemima travels all night on a train to Bangalore to have a voice lesson-there is no one in Kerala to teach her! So the fact that I am here very close by to work with her is such an awesome blessing for both of us. Our lessons have been getting longer and longer just because she is such a joy to work with! Her family is very kind and generous to me and Jemima's smile is truly one of the most beautiful things I've encountered here. I continue to praise the Lord for the way teaching voice works transcends the language barrier well and for the opportunity to work with Jemima.

Two weeks ago, I had a terrific opportunity: a friend of mine from NWMC leads a campus ministry group at the University of Arizona and she had me Skype in during one of their meetings to talk with them all about YAV. It was refreshing to discuss with college students what I'm doing, the challenges and rewards, and to answer their questions. After our discussion, all the students gathered around the computer and prayed out loud for me. I couldn't believe that a group of college students so far away who don't even know me were lifting me up in prayer...it was humbling and awesome.

Later that same day, I traveled to Chertala for the district Kalamela, or arts festival, where competitions in music, drama, art, and dance were held. I served as a judge for the music component, and listened all day to male and female soloists singing Western and Eastern solos. (I thought it funny that I was a judge considering that all of the music was in Malayalam, so I had no idea how to judge pronunciation!) I was handed a blank sheet of paper and then the first singer came up to sing-I had no idea what to write down or on what basis to judge! Yikes! However, this was a valuable experience and an honor.

The next day, on Thursday, I traveled with Nicole on my first Indian train ride to Aluva for our second YAV retreat. The train was packed and  we laid down on the upper bunks, which was surprisingly comfortable! (I wish we could fly laying down.) This first train ride was an eye-opening experience, and at the station people asked to take pictures of Nicole and I with their children! (That's how rare it is to see people that look like us, I suppose.)

All four of us were in Aluva from Thursday to Sunday for the retreat with Achen, Kochamma, and Binu. We spent most of our time catching up and relaxing as well as enjoying Bible study time with Achen. We were very open with one another about the things that are going well as well as the challenges we're experiencing. This led to some very healthy, albeit challenging, conversation. It was important for each of us to recognize and share our issues, and critical for us to realize our communal sharing in them. It was also supportive to learn about one another's struggles and to realize that we are all going through them, whether they are the same struggles or not.

On Friday the 28th we celebrated Kochamma's birthday with a wonderful birthday dinner and a night of music. The next day we had a group outing to Ernakulum, where we met up with Ann, my supervisor, and went to a mall. A mall! We spent the entire time in a huge bookstore, basking in familiar books, music, and videos, and even had pizza at a food court! On Sunday after church we parted ways and returned to our sites.

Since then, we've had a whole bunch of holidays and strike days, as well as the college going on holiday for the month. There is confusion as to whether the hostel is closing or not; I will have to wait and see.

This pasts Friday, my father turned 60. Happy Birthday, Dad! Some of the girls from the hostel joined me in Skyping my father and sang Happy Birthday to him! What a sweet memory. (They hilariously sang, "Happy birthday, Claudie chechi's father" for every line :)

The faculty voice training program is continuing through November somewhat, and is going well. The group is achieving a new comfort level with one another and I'm becoming very comfortable with them. Last week we combined solfege and rhythms for the first time and they found themselves reading music!

Last week, I traveled to a place called Mallappally about an hour and half away to visit a school and teach 11th and 12th standards for a day. When I arrived there, I was led into morning assembly, where 500 uniformed students were standing at attention! I was surprised and a little intimidated. They held their arms straight out in front of them and recited the pledge and national anthem. As soon as this was over, I was asked to sing a song! It felt rather strange to sing and play "Amazing Grace" to so many students standing at attention. I later found out that this special assembly was held because I was coming for the day!!! The teaching went pretty well for the most part, and at the end of the day the teachers of the school presented me with a churidar as a gift. I was overcome with emotion at their generosity, and was asked to sign the "school diary." The staring had been extra intense that day; I later learned that I was the first white person most of the students had ever seen. A volunteer has never before come to this school.

Once again, I found myself in the place of the juxtaposition of the ordinary & the extraordinary. I was simply visiting a school and teaching the phrases, "How are you?" and "What is your name?" all day. But I was also the first visitor to this school and an honored guest for whom a special assembly was arranged... Some of the classes didn't even go well and the students came up to me afterwards saying, "I will never forget this class; thank you so much for coming here." It was a confusing, overwhelming day. I felt strange knowing that I was the first white person 500 students had seen. On days like this I have to really talk to God throughout the day in order to keep my emotions in check and my focus on Him. I am certainly being given a lot of extraordinary opportunities and responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to buckle underneath the pressure, but I know that He will uphold me and that I can do all things with His strength. I hope that I am representing Him well despite all my faults and doubts.

I am beginning to feel settled. I am seeing many reasons for which I was brought here. I have failed and succeeded, and must continually face my limitations and anxieties. God is providing extraordinary opportunities; may He equip me fittingly to take on such tasks. Know that I am supported tremendously by your prayers.

Please forgive the disjunctive nature of this post and know that it's out of my eagerness to share with you. You are, after all, the people who have supported me and encouraged me all along the way to this place.

Prayer requests:
1) Please pray for the continued healing of my teammates Nicole and Rachel, and also for my teammate Ian. Please pray for us to continue to adjust to this new land and to find the strength, energy, and courage to do the things that each day He calls us to. I am thankful for God providing so many opportunities through which I can use my skills; please pray the same for them.
2) Please continue to pray for my struggles with anxiety. I struggle with a lack of any  kind of regular schedule and so much newness all the time. Sometimes I am unexpectedly very busy and sometimes have nothing to do. I feel as though every day I've been in India I've done something entirely different and it's hard for me to continually not know what each day will hold. I experience many uncertainties and surprises on a daily basis, and will do well to develop more of a routine. Though I'm in my third month of being here, so much still feels entirely new. Please pray for me to be able to establish some kind of regularity in my activities, if possible, but more importantly, to continue to grow in flexibility. This is a big lesson that must be learned.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and love. What a great joy it is to share in this journey with you!
Claudia

Snapshots

I sit here writing this blog with bindi all over my face, my hair in three pigtails, and a smile. The girls of the hostel just spent the last hour giving me a variety of hairstyles, finding my freckles, and experimenting with the best location for a bindi on my face. We talked about hair care and makeup and giggled a whole lot. Girls from both sides of the world just being girls. 


I am accepted and loved here. I came as a complete stranger, and now I find myself a part of the family. How exactly did this happen?


I am happy.

~

About a week ago, I was having my usual run in the yard of the hostel. Also outside is Midhila. Midhila never misses any class I teach. When I first came here, she told me that she was having dreams about she and I speaking in English together. She has big brown eyes filled with trust and innocence, and wears a pink and purple skirt that sometimes I see her twirling around in just to see it swirl around her like a flower. She is a precious child of God.

Midhila is standing outside the hostel to enjoy the last moments before she has to go inside. Her big eyes filled with awe, she stops me in my run, saying, "Look at the sunset! Look how beautiful it is." I stop and we look at the sunset together. A sweaty girl in tennis shoes and a girl in a pink flowing skirt watching the sun go down behind the golden clouds in the yard of an Indian hostel.

"Just think, Midhila-there's a new sunset every night," I said. "They're never the same. God makes it so beautiful just so we can enjoy it." As I said this, I realized that Midhila knows this better than I do:  she had, in fact, come outside just to watch the sunset. Have I ever done that? I wondered.

She said, "I think about God a lot, when I see the sunset, when I see how perfect everything is made."

"Yes," I agreed.

"Do you love God very much?" she asks.

"Yes. Yes, I do love God very much. God is the reason I am here." 

She smiles at me, her big brown eyes filled with trust and the setting sun.

~

"Chechi, I am boring!!!" yells Sherin through my door again. "Are you boring?!?"


I have to confess it's taken me a long time to correct her, just because I so enjoy her asking me if I'm boring or not. She means she is bored. Am I bored, too?


We find Lydia and go out into the yard together. It's a strike day (the seventh one since I've been here) so nothing is happening anywhere. Perfect time to break out the new badminton set and Frisbee! 


Sherin and Lydia are best friends. They walk everywhere together and know when to pass the salt to one another at meals without asking. Sherin speaks only Malayalam but has an extremely expressive face and her expressions constantly crack me up. Lydia, much shorter, has spirit in her step, a neat braid, and an ever-present smile. Sherin is a Muslim, Lydia a Hindu. I love watching the pair of them together.


We threw the Frisbee back and forth in the slight rain, laughing as warden watched us drop it continually. I thought about Lydia and Sherin's friendship, and how awesome it was that three different girls of three different faiths were playing Frisbee together. It hit me as I caught the Frisbee that neither of these girls know Jesus. As sweet and wonderful as they are, they do not know the Savior. This was hard to realize. Why hadn't I thought of this before? What exposure will these girls get to the Gospel? How do I represent Christ to them? Do they spend lots of time with other Christians? Do they wonder about my faith? Is playing Frisbee with them the best way of showing God's love at this moment? I decided it was. 

~

Last Thursday, I finally figured out the bell system at Baker. It was my third time teaching there, and as I was teaching, I realized that the bell schedule follows neither the printed schedule nor the written out "Thursday schedule" that had been given to me. After teaching the class, and the bell still hadn't rung, I came down to the staff room. 

One of the teachers was sitting there, and so I asked, "Do you know what time the bell rings? Did I miss it?"

She motions towards my watch, "Samayam endu?" 

"It's 2:18," I said, "The schedule says that class ends at 2:10. Did I miss the bell?"

And she promptly got up from her seat, rang the bell, and sat back down.

I finally figured out the bell system at Baker school!

The Time We Ate Jack O' Lanterns for Lunch

Dear friends,

I have been having such a multitude of new experiences these past few weeks that is has been difficult to keep up with it all! These have included celebrating two different holidays in the past two weeks, Diwali and Halloween. Diwaloween. Hallowali.

Last Wednesday, October 26th, was Diwali, the "festival of lights." I did a little research on Diwali: While Diwali is popularly known as the "festival of lights," the most significant spiritual meaning is "the awareness of the inner light." Central to Hindu philosophy is the belief that there is something beyond the physical body and mind which is pure, infinite, and eternal, known as the Atman. The celebration of Diwali as the "victory of good over evil" refers to the "light of higher knowledge dispelling all ignorance." With this awakening comes compassion and the awareness of the oneness of all things. Just as we celebrate our physical birth, Hindus, Jains, and Sikhs celebrate Diwali as the birth of this "Inner light."

The night before Diwali, Lea Hostel held a magnificent celebration! It began by the lighting of hundreds of little oil lamps around the second floor balcony of the hostel. When all of these tiny lamps were lit, it was quite a beautiful sight. One of the girls insisted on giving me her candle so that I could help light them. After the lighting of the lamps, all the girls gathered downstairs in the courtyard of the hostel and lit sparklers (many sparklers in very close proximity!) Then over near the gate, fireworks and firecrackers were set off for at least a half hour. The girls were cheering and screaming, their faces lit with joy and light from all the fireworks.

Lighting the lamps

Sparklers!

So much noise, smoke, and laughter!

Sparks were flying all round us, landing on us, even. I couldn't believe how fearlessly the girls lit and stood right next to the exploding fireworks! Lit candles, sparklers, firecrackers, long hair, hanging clothes on clotheslines, shawls, and bushes everywhere...It was a miracle that nothing caught fire!

After the fireworks began an hour of raucous cheering! In the courtyard, the girls separated into circles by year and screamed various cheers & songs at the top of their lungs! I had no idea they could be this loud-they're always pretty quiet, so it was refreshing and astonishing to see this side of them. Some music was put on the TV and dancing began! Even the warden and assistant warden joined in the celebration! The girls at one point just screamed for ten minutes straight-I had no idea what was going on! The various cheering and dancing continued, and I joined in.

I realized that they were doing different cheers for each girl as she entered the center of the circle, depending on her personality or interests. I found this to be fascinating-especially how quickly they picked a song for each girl. (They pushed me into the center a few times, though I don't know what they were singing.:) My heart filled with joy at being included in such a celebration, at finding myself in such a truly intimate and unique experience. It was wild and exhilarating, a flurry of sound and fireworks and the music of laughter. The girls closed out their evening with a final song where we all held one another's shoulders and swayed. I, too, swayed with them, celebrating along with them light's victory over dark.

At one point when I was in the circle I looked up at the sky and saw a single star, and I felt God reminding me of His presence in this moment of deep joy. I remembered times in my past where I've prayed out loud while looking up at the stars, and I was struck by the thought that this is the same God, then and now, who knew even then that I would be where I am. I was amazed to find myself in the middle of this joyful, uproarious dance circle, underneath the smoke and glimmering lamps, with Him up there winking at me. I realized that this was in fact the very first star I'd seen in India. It hit me that this very same sky covers all the earth; that this same star is visible back home-and I felt connected, connected to home and to Him and to something much larger than myself.

 
 So just as last week I learned all about Diwali, this week I had the pleasure of introducing the girls of the hostel to Halloween! This was such a joy. On Sunday afternoon after returning from Aluva for our second YAV retreat, my tutor Shalu and our friend Lydia came with me into town to find some pumpkins. On Monday, I taught a few classes on Halloween and the history of Halloween, which was really interesting to research. That evening at the hostel, we carved pumpkins! I think at first the girls didn't really know what was going on as I was carrying around knives, newspaper, and pictures of jack o' lanterns, but shortly after beginning the room was packed. We only had five pumpkins, so I led the carving step by step, allowing new girls to complete each step. It was a joy to see the delight on their faces in this new activity. A couple of them had heard of Halloween before (thanks to the Harry Potter movies) but most had never heard of it. As we carved, we ate candy and listened to Halloween music and I explained the different things we do on Halloween-trick or treating, dressing up in costumes, etc. It was pretty funny to see their reactions to the idea of knocking on strangers' doors to receive candy while in costume. There is nothing like living in a land with new traditions to make you realize the strange nature of some of your own. :)

Breaking out the candy (and Michael Jackson's 'Thriller') :)

Learning about Halloween

The room was packed! I felt bad that we only had 5 pumpkins...

The finished product

With Warden (left) and Bindu Miss, asst. warden (left)

The bindi  pumpkin

The pumpkins were lovely- especially the one with a bindi (the forehead ornament worn by many Indian women.) I think the girls learned a lot and also really enjoyed themselves-what a joy to share this with them!

Later that night, I heard a knock at my door with a loud, "Trick-or-treat!" In came a bunch of girls carrying a jack o' lantern, wearing costumes they had made themselves out of streamers and newspaper!!!! I almost died from laughter! They had learned that on Halloween you dress up and go trick-or-treating, so that's what they did! I couldn't believe it. This was probably my favorite moment in India so far. I will never, ever be able to forget those streamer-covered girls howling with laughter as they celebrated their first-ever Halloween.

Midhila in her homemade costume made out of streamers and newspaper

The whole motley crew

These girls bring me such joy! L to R: Greeshma, Lydia, and Midhila

And it gets better: a few days later, I realized that I hadn't seen the jack o' lanterns around. As I was looking for them, Lydia, one of the girls in the hostel, said: "We had pumpkin curry for lunch." I said, "Ok, but do you know where the jack o'lanterns are?" She repeated, "We had pumpkin curry for lunch."

....

So I put two and two together, and Lydia confirmed it. Yes, yesterday, all 140 girls at the hostel ate curry made out of three-day-old jack o'lanterns that had had candles burning in them.

I wonder how it tasted.

Moments of Laughter and Kindness

My dear friends-

I've been keeping some lists that I thought I would share with you. Please enjoy these funny moments, odd tidbits, and stories of great kindnesses, and forgive their disjunct nature.

Moments of Laughter

1) Every night at 7:50 pm, I go with all of the girls in the hostel to prayer time. A few Malayalam hymns are sung and a Scripture passage read, then the girls can remain for silent prayer as long as they desire. Each Wednesday night, they sing an English hymn. Usually I'm in charge of leading these, but this particular night, I had forgotten that it was Wednesday. The number for the prayer was called out, and Shalu, my dear friend and companion, pointed towards hymn number 17 and nudged me, saying, "Sing! Sing!" because I had forgotten that I usually start. I started singing, but no one joined in. After two lines, I just kind of awkwardly faded out into silence because no one was joining me! There was a hilarious moment of completely tangible awkward silence before the girls started singing hymn number seventy, not seventeen. Shalu had accidentally heard the wrong number. She and I sat, shaking silently with laughter, for the rest of prayer time, and once we were out of the prayer hall all the girls burst out laughing. It was hilarious.

2) As previously mentioned, I always share with a new class pictures of my family. I find it interesting that when I mention, "stepmother," most kids look confused, and I have to take the time to explain what a stepmother is. Interesting.

3) I had a hilarious moment the other day when a girl I know came out from a classroom having just finished an exam on Macbeth. I quickly urged her not to speak the word, which surprised her, and then proceeded to try to explain why we don't say the word 'Macbeth.' In the midst of trying to explain to her with minimal English understanding and broken Malayalam, I realized that I didn't actually know why we refer to it as "The Scottish Play" instead of by the title. It was a very confusing conversation. 

4) I find myself continually making puns that no one understands. I miss being able to play with words and make witty comments that others can understand! :) For example, the other week when I was teaching at Baker Girls' School, I was showing them on a globe where I'm from. It was an old, rusty globe, and at that moment happened to just completely break and fall apart in my hands. I melodramatically shouted, "My world is falling apart!" and looked out into a sea of noncomprehending faces wondering why I was freaking out so much about a broken globe. Haha.

5) Interestingly, I recently was asked to be interviewed for The Times newspaper, as one of the women in the Faculty Voice Class has a brother who writes for them. We had arranged a time to meet when I was wisely told that interviewing would not be a good idea, as the reason for my being here according to my visa and my actual work here are entirely two different things. I forgot about this. Technically, for those of you that don't know, I am a student at CMS College in the one-year "Community Development Internship," which is how the YAVs are able to come into the country. It was a good thing I was not interviewed about my activities, because I would have talked all about my teaching and volunteering at local schools, and if this information were published in the newspaper, it could have led to some trouble. What a close shave! I'm glad that I am no longer in danger of potentially getting myself arrested. :)

6) While at a home stay recently, I had a shocking moment: It was about two am, and I was having trouble sleeping. Right on the other side of the wall was the mother of the person who's house I was staying at, and she talks in her sleep. She also sings and argues in Malayalam in her sleep. It took me a very long time to realize that she was sleeptalking. I was already feeling a little freaked out by this, and so I got up to use the restroom. But the door I opened did not lead to the restroom, it led to the servant's quarters! I had no idea that there was a servant in the house, and as I opened the door I was completely surprised to find another person sleeping there, a person I hadn't met! This is an element of the homes here that I have not yet touched upon-many of the homes here have a servant or a helper who lives with the family. Sometimes you know they're there and meet them, and sometimes you stumble upon them at 2 am and wake them up. Whoops.

7) A couple weeks ago, two teachers from the English department took me into town because I'd mentioned that I'd like to buy some games for girls at the hostel. The reason for this was that my parents had mailed me a deck of UNO cards a few weeks back. These UNO cards are being played CONSTANTLY. I can't believe how much amusement is being derived from this deck of cards that now look like they're years old! I went out and bought two more decks, and also a badminton set, a frisbee, Scrabble, Life, and Checkers. It has been an incredible joy to introduce these games to the girls and I am continually refreshed and amazed at how much joy they derive from them! Especially interesting has been the Life game, which is based on the American life. It is interesting to note their reactions to the elements of this board game, such as careers, salaries, marriage, etc., and has served as a great teaching tool.

8) The concept of raising your hand to be called on is an entirely new concept to students here. (They're used to responding in unison.) I spent much of my last time at Baker trying to teach the students how this works, with some rather humorous results, (i.e. not realizing that a response is expected once one has raised their hand :). 

9) Many elements of musical understanding that I take for granted in the U.S., such as being able to clap or move to a beat, are sometimes not present here, which is interesting and funny to discover.

10) I never ceased to be amazed at all the new elements of communication and cultural idiosyncrasies that I encounter. For example, tonight at dinner one of the girls was choking slightly, and instead of someone patting her on the back as we would do at home, the girl across from her gave her a sharp rap on the top of her head! And there are countless phrases that amuse me. For example, "What's your program?" means, "What are you doing right now?" and "Shall we move?" is not an invitation to dance, but means "Should we get going?" I find myself using these phrases frequently. Also, when I talk with the girls at the hostel, they always ask, "May I go?" at what might be the end of the conversation before moving away from me, even in the smallest interaction. It's like asking, "Are we done talking?" I also am amused by the blunt (to me) way conversations seem to end. I feel very frequently here that when I'm on the phone with someone or talking with them, they say, "Ok, goodbye" the second they're done and just hang up or walk away! There's no real indication that the conversation is gradually coming to a close, or even a chance to hear the other person say goodbye. And of course this rambling would not be complete without a mention of the quintessential Indian head bob, which I think I've finally gotten used to. In the U.S. when we mean, "No" we shake our heads from side to side, and nod up and down to mean, "Yes." Here, shaking your head in a kind of wobble back and forth means anything from "yes" to "ok" or "I understand" and many other things I don't know yet. It is very different to be teaching students and to ask if they understand to see them shake their heads in response-I have to constantly remind myself that they are saying "yes" and not "no." Sometimes the way someone bobs their head looks just like our "No." This takes getting used to. (Imagine telling someone your name and where you're from with them all the while shaking their head from side to side in what looks to you like a clear "No" as though they're disagreeing with you.) Fascinating.

11) A while back I had expressed interest in teaching some conversational English to the History students of the college. One day, I was asked if I wanted to go teach them right then and there! I felt fully confident until I walked into the classroom and realized that there were about 6 girls and 35 college boys. I quickly realized that all of my silly songs and activities I do with the Baker School girls or my tiny Home Science group were not going to work. Three cheers for major improvisation!

12) During my first Thursday at Baker School, I went to teach my first class when I noticed that it was going abnormally long. I was given a schedule of the class times. I found out after teaching two periods together that the school follows an entirely different schedule on Thursdays. Surprise! :)

13) I am astonished by how much of my college education I'm using here. I wrack my brain trying to remember all that I learned in my choral education classes so that I can teach these concepts here. I've used every song I can remember from student teaching. Who would've thought that everything I learned in college I would now be trying to teach to others in a place as far away as Kerala? It's amazing-such a blessing to have such a direct use of my skills and background.

14) I recently visited Jecko and Ann's house. (Jecko, a CMS English professor, along with his wife and son, Steve, accompanied us back at the beginning of the month on our boat ride, if you remember their pictures). While playing badminton with Steve, I learned that he loves "The Sound of Music," and so we played badminton while singing songs from the movie together for at least a half hour, also with him quoting the dialogue in between the songs! It was amazing! I had to be back at the hostel shortly afterwards, and so Steve walked me back. I was only two minutes late, but the gate was locked. I was let in by the watchman, but the girls were probably wondering why I was showing up three minutes late, out of breath, with a thirteen-year-old boy, singing Edelweiss. :)

Moments of Kindness (too many to count)

1) About a week ago, I mentioned to Gigi Sir that I would at some point like to think about getting a mirror to put in the office for when I teach voice lessons. He returned a couple of hours later from being in town, with a perfect mirror that he affixed to the wall, just because I'd mentioned it. Gigi Sir's kindness and thoughtfulness knows no bounds.

2) I locked myself out of my room recently, and Gigi Sir was so kind to take time out of his Saturday to come all the way from his house to give me the extra key. What would I do without him?

3) Recently, a friend from Mixed Voices, Jibi, came to the hostel to have me work on a Finale file. She came with two full bags of continental food-sandwiches, french fries, and garlic bread! She would not let me thank her or pay her back. Jibi has shown me kindness like this on countless occasions, and I am so grateful for her.

4) Sumita is a very special girl at the hostel with a beaming smile that shines her love of Christ. I walked past her one evening in the hostel, where I saw her doodling, "Jesus is My Best Friend" at the top of all her papers, and smiling to herself. My heart burst-what a precious child of God! I sat down next to her and told her that we have the same best friend! She told me about her love of Jesus and about how she wants to work as a missionary in Andhra Pradesh. She gave me a bookmark from the mission agency that she wants to work with, and wrote me a sweet note on the bookmark. I will treasure this always, and think of her brilliant smile and the way she radiates God's love. I strive to be more like Sumita.

5) When the girls celebrate a birthday, they bring in cake and candy to share with everyone. Instead of receiving presents, they give them, and always knock on my door to bring me a treat. What would we be like if we gave of ourselves more instead of expecting to receive, on our birthday? Or every day?

6) Last week my clothes were on the line hanging to dry when it started to rain. When I came out to get them, one of the girls had already taken all of my clothes and hung them up in her room so that they wouldn't get wet. I was really touched.

7) Recently at a hostel English class,  a girl stopped by to see what was going on but said that she couldn't stay for class. However, she joined the class anyhow. After class, she very formally thanked me, pronounced the class "awesome and exciting," shook my hand, and told me that she liked me. I told her that I had greatly appreciated her being there and that I liked her, too. :) Haha! I so appreciated that she took the time to tell me that she appreciated me and that she enjoyed learning from me. What a blessing-such open communication!

8) When caught in a downpour last week, an Achen I know insisted on loaning me his umbrella. He said he had another with him, but I didn't see one.

9) Bugs, lizards, mice, oh my! In my room I am becoming acquainted with a whole variety of new friends:three-inch cockroaches, huge mosquitoes, snails, geckos, lots of millipedes, and even a mouse! Hilariously, once I realized I had a mouse in my room, I told the warden, and about fifteen minutes later received a call from the Principal of the College himself apologizing for the mouse and insisting that he send carpenters the very next day to install nets over my windows. And he did, and they came the next day to do so! I couldn't get over this. About a week later the Principal also called me to ask, "Would you like a refrigerator?" to which I responded, "No, thank you" and promptly found a fridge installed in my room the next day.

10) Sometimes after I dismiss the hostel choir, they linger to chat with me. Recently, they gathered around me asking questions, and I shared with them about what it's like to come to India, and what's hard sometimes. One of them later found me and told me that she has a great respect for me and she never thought about how hard it would be to go so afar away and be from her family. She told me that she had liked me since I came to the hostel, but she hadn't thought until tonight about 'what a brave thing it is for you to come so far away to be with us.' I was choked up. These girls are precious children of God. They are so innocent, and so honest. 

I am surrounded by kindnesses, blatant and subtle, if I will but open my eyes to see them. So, too, I think, are you. Are we just seeing, or are we understanding? If I look around me, especially with an open heart and not just open eyes, I see God's hand in these manifold kindnesses between people. May I be a passer-on of these kindnesses, andmay I not stop or hinder the flow. May I give back more than I receive (and I'm certainly receiving a lot.) As I stumble my way around this foreign land, many hands reach out to assist me. To keep me from a fall, from a blunder, to hand me a gift, to pass on a kind word. Many hands and many hearts. Doors and hearts opened to me, may I open mine as well. It's funny how I think that I came to serve...when in truth I am really being taught how to serve.

When we become aware that our stuttering, failing, vulnerable selves are loved even when we hardly progress, we can let go of our compulsion to prove ourselves and be free to live with others in a fellowship of the weak. That is true healing. 

- Henri J.M. Nouwen

The Ordinary and the Extraordinary

Dear friends-

It’s been a few days since I wrote the last blog post, even though I just posted it. I wanted to let you know that I am feeling much more stable anxiety-wise and have been sleeping much better. Thank you for your prayers and please continue to pray!

I’m getting to be on more of a schedule now. Let me detail for you what my schedule is beginning to look like.

On Sundays, I spent most of the day in church and in choir rehearsal at CSI Ascension Church and at the college chapel for Kottayam Mixed Voices practice. I usually assist with leading and doing vocal training and warm-ups at Ascension practice and get to do warm-ups with Mixed Voices. We’re singing Christmas music! Lots and lots of it. It is pretty odd to be singing “Silent Night” when it’s 85 degrees outside, admittedly.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I teach conversational English to the girls at the hostel for one hour in the evenings. We have a pretty fun time, and have worked on introducing ourselves, talking about our family, sharing about our hobbies…We had a great discussion about college life at CMS and the differences between college life in the States and in India. Initially these were really well attended; now the girls have exams going on again and so very few have been present.

On Tuesday and Thursday evenings for one hour, I lead choir at the hostel. We have had anywhere from 24 to 7 girls attend. We’re working on some Christmas carols-just unison, no parts (yet). Mostly we work on voice training and pronunciation. I’m debating whether or not to teach them some lesser known carols (the ones I really like) such as Sing We Now of Christmas or Fum, Fum, Fum.

Tuesday and Thursday mornings for one hour is the faculty voice training program. I really enjoy teaching this group, as they are charismatic and try everything I tell them to try vocally instead of always giggling like many students do. Our hour is divided between three components: vocal training, music fundamentals (right now we’re working on Kodaly rhythms-I can’t believe how useful everything from student teaching has been here), and then sight reading. Today we learned the solfege syllables do through mi.

On Wednesdays for a half hour I teach conversational English to a group of Home Science majors in their department. I wish I had more time with them, but as all the students are in class from 10 am to 1 pm, and 2-4 pm, the only time I can have classes with them or the faculty is from 9-10 am and for a brief half hour at lunchtime. And the college choir meets every day from 1:30-2 and from 4-5, but we didn’t meet last week or this week and won’t meet again until December. 

My flyer in the hostel

On Thursdays, I travel to Baker Girls School where I teach conversational English and music all day. The music class I really enjoy-they have been very responsive to Kodaly rhythms, which also transcends the language barrier. That’s the awesome thing about teaching music-it’s universal. The English classes have been going relatively well, though the very large class size makes any kind of movement or games pretty hard to do, which is a shame because I have a lot of great games I would love to do with them but can’t with 40-50 girls.

Fridays and Saturdays are kind of my free days as of now; Ascension choir rehearsal is on Saturdays as well but I’ve chosen only to participate because of trying to take care of my voice. I feel like I definitely strained my voice somehow a couple of weeks ago; it hasn’t felt normal since. I’m taking as much vocal rest as I can, but please be praying for my vocal restoration. Thanks for your prayers for this specifically.

  

I am excited to share with you an awesome blessing that has surfaced- I am teaching a private voice student. Her name is Jemima. She is only 15 years old and is INCREDIBLY talented. I sought her out asking if she wanted to study with me. She has voice lessons once a month, but has to travel far away, so this is such an awesome blessing to be able to work with her here in Kottayam. She has a very mature voice for a 15-year old. Though her English is limited, teaching voice works pretty well with her with lots of gestures and modeling. We’ve been working on Bach’s Bist du bei mir, a favorite of mine, and so we're working a lot on our German pronunciation. It's funny to be using little Malayalam phrases I know to work on a German piece! I get chills when she sings this piece; she sings it better than half of the vocal majors I went to college with. Her musical intuition is incredible and her voice lovely. It is a pure joy to work with her and I really look forward to it each week. We meet in Gigi Sir’s office, and he’s been so kind as so bring a keyboard in for our use. This is a huge praise!

Aside from scheduled programs, I was last week invited to two different schools to help out with some music training. I think there are one or two more schools where I will start to regularly teach, but I’m taking some time before I get involved with them to rest my voice and to just wait until I’m more settled in before taking on the challenge.

In the evenings, I exercise before I have to be in, then at 6 all are inside the compound. Evenings I usually feel like I have sufficient activity with English or choir, hostel prayer, dinner, and fun time afterwards. The girls have about a half hour free after dinner before they have to go back to studying-during this time I like to hang out with them, play guitar, or UNO. Some of them really enjoying learning worship songs, which is awesome. Afterwards I spend my evenings planning for my classes, reading, and hanging out with Ann, Rinsy, and Sheny. I have a Malayalam lesson on occasion, too.

I am now comfortable going out into town by myself-yesterday I went to the grocery and the tailors by myself. I prefer to go with some of the girls, but they are very busy right now with studying.


Thursday held something new: my first ever cricket match! It was the championship game between the colleges of Mahatma Gandhi University, and CMS won! This was also the first time I'd seen the college united at a sporting event-there were many students and faculty there, all cheering on CMS. Although I had no idea what was going on in the match, I heartily enjoyed being at this important event and look forward to learning more about cricket. 

Students watching the match

Friends Finsy and Divya and others from the hostel

The loudest I've ever heard these girls! Also, this shouting and cheering was right before choir practice! 

CMS won!!! The victory swarm

With Divya and Finsy and Finsy's friend

The victorious team with their trophy

A beautiful scene

On Friday I went with Prathibha, a friend from Ascension Choir, to her family’s clothing store nearby in Kanjikuzhy. She helped me choose two new churidars and two new kurti (tunics). It’s pretty exciting to have some new clothing and it was really fun to be able to go shopping with a friend. Most of the time here I don’t wear a formal churidar; most frequently I wear different leggings with different kurti tops.

After shopping, she took me to her family’s photography studio next door and we decided to do a random photo shoot, which was pretty amusing. Here I am with Prathibha: 

This past weekend was adventure-filled. From Friday to Monday I was in the town called Panthanamthitta about an hour and a half away leading a choir retreat at the college chaplain’s church. His name is Roy Sir. I stayed at his house with his family for three nights and experienced their loving hospitality. Sunday was his daughter’s birthday and there was a birthday dinner for her.

On Saturday before the choir retreat began I went with Roy Sir and his wife to an elephant place in Kunni, where I got to ride an elephant! I was so excited-it was about a five-minute ride on a big elephant! I was surprised how comfortable it was to ride her-she was kind of squishy! Afterwards, I got to feed her bananas one by one. It was such a fun experience. Interestingly, every Indian I've asked has not ridden an elephant, and Roy Sir had his first ride that day as well. I thought that many Indians have had this opportunity but they haven't, so this further made me appreciate this special experience. Hope you enjoy these photos:

"How do I get on?"

The ride! 

So exciting!

This was when I was feeding the elephant and I got "slimed": the elephant's trunk got mud all over my arm! Sitting on the elephant is Roy Sir, the college chaplain.

Feeding her bananas one by one!

 

After visiting the elephant place, the choir retreat began. It was held for members of three different churches: All Saints CSI Church of Pathanamthitta, St. Paul's Church, Nallanikunnu, where the retreat was held, and St.Thomas CSI Church, Chenneerkara. We met on Saturday afternoon as well as Sunday afternoon, and spent the weekend working on vocal training, learning warm-ups, and learning some basic music fundamentals. I had them learn the carol, "In the Bleak Midwinter" and they made admirable progress after two days. Many of them had not sung in English before and none of them read music. I was really proud of all that they learned. There were about 40 choir members present for the weekend. Some of them were very very young! It was interesting to note how the children stuck around for all the activities and tried everything that their parents did-even though my exercises and instruction were not at all age-appropriate for them. I couldn't believe that they stuck with me for the 3-hour sessions-trying all the exercises about breathing and tone production! That's a big difference I've noticed: kids in the U.S. would have been running around five minutes into it, doing their own thing, and I expected these kids to go off and do something else, but they didn't! They stayed and learned all the exercises; I felt bad that I didn't have more age-appropriate material for them. On Sunday morning before church I was asked to come and teach a song to the Sunday school class, so I taught them "I Love You, Lord." On the way home from church, I got to ride with Roy Sir on his motorcycle!

Roy Sir's bike

Our attempt at taking a picture of just me riding: please note the stand underneath :)

Teaching the men "In the Bleak Midwinter"

Teaching Kodaly rhythms-these are super handy to use here!

The Kodaly system uses easy rhythm symbols which can then be transferred to actual music reading

The whole group

I recorded them singing "In the Bleak Midwinter" and hope you enjoy the video. It was truly a blessing to come and to work with these people, and I was humbled by all of their kindness towards me. I was surprised at what a bond I felt with them after just two days. Working on music with people is really a very personal thing. I had to earn their trust in trying many new vocal exercises and they had to make themselves and their voice vulnerable to me. I think we were able to establish that trust and learned to make music together, which is really a very beautiful and precious thing. 

Once the retreat was over, a lot of the little kids rushed up to me, asking me for my autograph! I was very surprised and it kind of hit me that this had been maybe an important event for them. After all, most of them have never met an American. Many of the choir directors here do not read music. Most, or all of these people will never get the opportunity to work with a trained musician again, or have another choir retreat. This was, after all, a small village church. Roy Sir later told me that it was a very big deal to have someone come from so far away to see them, as he thanked me with tears in his eyes. I will never forget that.


It's amazing how God can take the small things and really use them to make an impact. After all, I feel like I'm doing a lot of everyday, ordinary things. I'm visiting people, smiling at them, eating with them, singing for them, teaching them a little song or two....it doesn't feel like much to me. It is nothing special in and of itself. All I did was teach warm-ups and some new ideas and one song to these people, but it seemed to have really meant a lot to them.
God is making the ordinary extraordinary. Even though being here is difficult and challenging, I must never forget what a privilege it is. It is a great privilege to live here, to live among these people and new friends. To do the small things-to eat with them, to smile at them, to greet them.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing anything special or extraordinary, and I'm not. I've come here to live in a different culture, and they have invited me into their lives and hearts. It is an honor and a privilege. Mostly, this year is not about me. This year is about learning, about being humbled, about dying to self. It's about doing the ordinary in a new place, and coming to a deeper understanding of the transformative power of the cross to make all things new. It's about getting my feet dirty and struggling with serious doubts. It's about serving. It's not about me. I trust and pray that God would continue to provide opportunities like this weekend choir retreat, opportunities to share little bits of my knowledge and to see how God uses them.


"I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I will reap I will sow."
-from Hillsong's 'Desert Song'