Seeking and Pursuing Peace: The World of Culture Shock

(Note: I just added two videos and some pictures to last week's post, so please check them out below!)

We musn't wait until we're perfectly well ourselves to give of ourselves to others. If we do, we'll just keep waiting and waiting, having never given. We must give out of our broken selves. We must hand to Him our shattered pieces, and trusting with all our hearts that somehow, somehow, He will use them and make something beautiful out of them. (-from a recent journal entry)

Dear friends-

It's been a challenging week and a half, to be honest with you. I've been delaying posting because I've been struggling, and I felt like I should only post happy things to cheer you all. But I realize that you are my support system and I need to let you know what exactly is going on with me. I've been struggling with strong bouts of anxiety and sleeplessness and it has been HARD. I've had to rely solely on God's strength to get through the days sometimes and my emotions have just been all over the place. Thanks to your prayers and God's grace, I think I'm moving out of this to a more stable ground. I have to remind myself constantly of your prayers and support, and also of the truth of my being here, to stay focused on what's actually happening, as opposed to what I'm feeling. In fact, I've started a huge list of the facts-what is true about how I got here, who I am in Christ, and the many blessings that I am encountering, and I read this whenever my emotions threaten to overpower me. 

I can't tell you how much I've appreciated your prayers, emails, and notes of encouragement. They have meant more than you can imagine. 

In reading back through my journal entries recently, I was struck by how many new circumstances I encounter every day and how many stressors exist here in my new life. I have been really hard on myself for experiencing the anxiety that I have been, but realistically, many factors are at play. It has taken me over seven weeks here to develop a normal sleeping pattern without the assistance of medication, which I think I'm finally beginning to enter. Confronting my anxiety and sleep issues has been challenging enough in and of itself in the United States, but add on to that the true and literal shock of finding oneself on the other side of the world, and you have what I've been experiencing. I have been struggling to show myself grace! I have to be honest with myself and say that this is definitely more difficult than I thought it would be. And that is okay! And I am struggling with anxiety, and that is also okay! I am becoming acutely aware of my weaknesses and relying on His strength more than I ever have. I talk to Him throughout the day- I have to, to get through the day sometimes. He is there with me when I wake up to the continual blaring of car horns and a heavy heart, delaying getting up to face the looming giant that is India. He strengthens my soul and gives me the courage I need to face the day, the endurance for each new hour as it comes. I am just desperate for His strength and His touch.

Last Monday was one of the most difficult days I've experienced. I had a completely sleepless night and was exhausted. I was to speak in chapel that day, and I did. I shared from Matthew 25:34-36. “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

I shared about how helpless I've been since I arrived in India to do even the simplest things, and how I had to rely on the kindness of others in order to do the smallest and most menial and essential of tasks. I had to learn how to eat again, this time with my hands. I had to relearn when and what to eat. I had to be shown what was safe to drink and what wasn't. I had to learn to bathe and use the bathroom in entirely different ways. I had to be taken to get clothing and be taught how to clothe myself. It's been like being an infant again, being not just spiritually sustained by others, but physically sustained. And it is hard to be so helpless, to feel so helpless. It is incredibly humbling to be taught all of this. And it's a beautiful place to be. It's where God wants me to be. 

Here are a couple examples recently of some "culture shock" moments, when I realized, "Wow, I am in a foreign culture!" 

1) I traveled to Chertala again last Monday to work with the kids on the music for the Western music competition. Once I arrived, I learned that the kids had changed two of the songs we'd worked on. They again had no music and we could not get music for them. We did what we could. Once we finally did get music, we had it in two different keys and both keys had errors in them. There was chaos and total lack of organization. It was noisy and very hot and my voice was hurting. The kids just kept disappearing, I'm not sure why. I could hardly walk anywhere for being surrounded by so many children and their staring. The power kept going off. I didn't know where to start with corrections in the music. I didn't understand why these kids were even participating in the competition, or why they were so unprepared. Somehow about 40 little kids where brought into the room where we were working and their teacher left. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to teach them or not, and if I was, I was already teaching the other kids. I was running on zero hours of sleep. I had a class to teach once I got back. At one point in the day, I had to just go the bathroom and escape for a little while. It was a hard, hard day. But God gave me the strength to get through the afternoon. I talked to God the entire day, because I had no strength of my own. And He gave me everything I needed. He is always faithful.

2) A couple days later, I travelled to another school to help them prepare for the same competition. This time they were much better prepared, but they were singing devotional songs, which I thought they weren't allowed to do-that was the whole issue in Chertala. I let it go. In the room where they were rehearsing, there were about 300 students. Instead of having class, they were there to watch the music group rehearse all day. But it was so very loud that the music group couldn't hear one another. I was introduced to the 300 kids, and told to commence rehearsing the group. But I couldn't hear anything, and I had to weigh whether it would be appropriate or not for me to ask to take them to another space to rehearse. After weighing it, I did ask, and took the group to another room where we could hear one another. I felt bad because all of the kids upstairs were supposed to be watching, but there was too much noise.

3) A few nights ago, I was playing UNO with Ann, Rinsy, and Sheny in their room. I heard a tiny meow at the door, and I ran to find this darling tiny cat. I was so excited that it let me pet it! It was purring and rubbing up against me like crazy! It was so sweet! I have to clarify that there are cats everywhere here and that  the whole time I've been in India I try to beckon them to me, but they always run away. So I was overjoyed that I finally got to pet one, and I was so enjoying it. I realized that all the girls in the hostel were staring at me. I asked if any of them wanted to come pet it, and they didn't move. They were all watching me as this cat climbed all over me. I didn't understand why the girls didn't want to pet it. They insisted that I stop petting it, and I had to put it down as they tried to get it to leave the hostel. It was hard. I was confused. I missed my own cat so much. I didn't understand why we had to scare away this tiny mewling cat instead of loving it. It was a stray cat, and people here never touch stray cats. They were very afraid of it carrying diseases. I understand this now, but at the time I just felt so confused and hurt that I couldn't pet this cat. It seems silly, but I went to my room crying afterwards. 

So, what is difficult, you ask? What is culture shock? What is hard about being in India? 

There's so much to it. I have been becoming more acutely aware of what I'm experiencing, and labeling it as normal! I am not experiencing anything that anyone moving to a new culture would not experience. The facts are that I moved halfway around the world. Let me try to detail some of the areas of difference:

1) The basics. How I take care of myself is entirely different. As mentioned above, things like eating and bathing and using the bathroom are completely different. My clothing is entirely different. Everything I'm eating is different and a lot of it is very spicy. (I have definitely lost weight since I've been here-I can't see it, but others have told me, and I can tell because my clothes fit differently.) Crossing the street is very difficult. in fact, I have had to lean up against a wall twice to avoid getting hit by a bus. (Ironically, one of them was a tourist bus filled with the first white people I'd seen in weeks.) Just existing is different. The sights, smells, tastes and sounds are all entirely new-like nothing I've experienced before. And they are constant. It's like just one neverending overstimulating experience sometimes. And it's easy sometimes and very difficult at other times.

2) Language barrier. I am continually surrounded by people speaking a language I can't understand. I have wonderful Malayalam tutors who are helping me, but I only know a few words. To clarify, when people are talking to me they speak English much of the time, but unless they are directly addressing me they are always speaking Malayalam. (Their levels of English-speaking vary widely from just knowing how to say hello to being able to be fluent with me, as my tutors and supervisors are.) It can be very stressful to not understand what is being said around you all or most of the time.

And the language barrier is two-fold: there is the actual comprehension of the language, and then there is the comprehension of what is being said. Two people can both be speaking English but not understanding one another at all, as is sometimes the case here. I have to listen with open ears and an open heart. I have to be grace-filled in conversation where I don't understand the questions I'm being asked.  I have to not feel bitter or discouraged by not being understood or not understanding. I am incredibly blessed to have so many people that can understand English at CMS-this is an absolute luxury. I look forward to being able to speak more Malayalam so I have more of a sense of what is going on around me more of the time. 

3) Things not making sense. Much of the time, I witness or find myself in situations that simply do not make sense to me, nor will they make sense to me. I see posters with pictures that are disturbing or don't make sense. I see signs everywhere with odd phrases and misspelled English. I see people with things painted on their faces which I don't understand. I see people with maladies and illnesses that I've never seen before when walking through the streets. I see the clash of destitution right next to extreme wealth. Everything seems out of place, like in a dream, sometimes. I just see things constantly that I can't make head or tail of. For example, the other day I saw a cat with makeup on its face and it shocked me. India never ceases to surprise, all the day long sometimes.

4) Feeling alone. I knew I would be a minority here; what I did not know is that I would be the only non-Indian around. This means that everywhere I go, I am constantly stared at. Most days I don't mind it, but some days I just really wish I could hide. Recently, I was at a school and was trying to watch a band rehearsal that was going on. I could not make it over to where the band rehearsal was happening because I was instantly surrounded by little girls who gathered just to stand in front of me and look at me. I tried to talk with them as much as I could and get to know some of their names. I never did make it over to the band rehearsal.

I think also that it's very different to experience living in a new culture alone as opposed to with a team. In past mission experiences, I have only ever served alongside a team. They were there to laugh with me and process everything happening right alongside of me. They found things strange and funny along with me. Here, though I have teammates, we are living and working at separate sites. I feel like if I had someone to share my experiences with, it would be a lot easier sometimes. I have to absorb much that doesn't make sense to me and don't have anyone to immediately share it all with-someone to act as a sounding board, someone to share the shock, someone to mirror my facial expressions. All that is strange and new to me is strange and new to me alone. I can't turn to the person next to me and laugh or comment about it. Were there someone with me, I think some of the shock absorption would be alleviated, and things would be funny instead of stressful. But since I'm not with anyone, I have to just keep absorbing the new. I try really hard to talk to God about everything I encounter. He must be my companion. 

5) Not understanding why things are the way they are. From the little to the immense, things are different, and I don't know why they are as they are. I don't know why the dogs in the building next to me all howl together at the same time every single night for no apparent reason, and neither does anyone else seem to know. I don't know why we must be silent when we eat dinner at the hostel every night. I don't understand why when I'm at a school teaching, the teachers do not know what time the classes end or finish. I don't know why sometimes I'm woken up in the middle of the night by construction work happening at one or two in the morning in the pitch black! I don't know why sometimes 24 girls come to choir, and the next day why 3 do. I don't understand why there are so many strike days. I don't understand why a couple of times teachers have left a bunch of students with me while I'm already teaching another class, with no explanation, and I'm not sure what to do with them. So much is unknown to me, and I don't have the means of finding out answers.  

And I have to just let these things go. Constantly. See something I don't understand, let it go. It has to be okay for things to just not line up, for the numbers not to add up. And that's okay, because this all makes sense to God!  It makes sense to the one who created it all. It doesn't need to make sense to me. He understands it all. He has placed everything where it needs to be. In my times of confusion, I cry out to Him, saying, God, this makes absolutely no sense to me, but it makes sense to You! And that's enough for me. You understand all of this. Give me the grace to just let things go, and to trust in Your knowledge. 

So there are many factors at play. I am, after all, halfway around the world!I wrote recently,"I'm surprised by how many new things I encounter in one day if I stop and think about it. I think just about today. I am living a totally different way, surrounded by a foreign language. Add to that the continual power and water outages of today, food that was hard to eat, disorganization and confusion, being asked questions by a stranger that didn't make sense to me, trying not to get sick in a vehicle, a broken copy machine... No wonder I'm having anxiety. I need to give myself more grace. This is my new normal. This is my new home. At the end of the day, God wins. Today I feel like India won out over me. In fact, I was knocked to the ground by India. But guess what: God wins out over India!"

What this all comes down to is this: I must actively seek and pursue peace. If I hold on to the things happening to me and do not share them, I can become bitter or resentful. I must share my feelings and experiences. I must continually evaluate and be aware of my responses to the new. When something new happens, I must pause before reacting. I must pray, I must consider my thoughts and emotions, and modify my response. I must be careful and prayerful. I can choose to be offended, or I can choose not to be. I can harbor my emotions, or I can pour them out. Peace is there for me, should I choose to accept it. I must seek out and pursue God's peace all around me, every step of the way.