All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away
In the waves of His mercy
As deep cries out to deep.
I have been back in the U.S. for almost three weeks now. I alternate between feeling home and feeling like I just left my home. It's amazing how much faster time has been going since I returned; the days were usually very long and slow in India. It's a testament to the healing I'm experiencing that my life feels like it's beginning to flow a little bit more. I talked last time about how I feel like I have an ocean of memories, and that I have to sift through drop by drop until the is becomes the was.
I've realized a couple of things about this process, a process that feels like grieving. Firstly, I realized that this will take a lifetime, and so my mentality of "Ok, I have to process India first, and then I can move on with my life" isn't correct. God wants me to move on, and I can perhaps process and begin anew here at the same time. Isolating myself in the house a lot these past few weeks has been very good in ways, but I've also found myself sitting around waiting for the "processing" to happen, like it's just going to happen without my doing anything. I think God is telling me that the experiences may receive their meaning, new meaning, when placed in my current context, instead of just in mind-India, where I spend a lot of time.
Secondly, with my realizing that this is going to take a long time, I can't sit around and wait until I feel "normal" again, whatever that means. I will never be who I was before my time in India and I don't want to be. I have greatly changed. In familiar circumstances it is easy to appear normal, just like I was before I left. I look basically the same, except having lost some weight. Don't let that fool you. A lot has changed in me and my heart. I don't know what the changes were exactly, but there was a lot of growth. It was good. So I feel that God has given me the go ahead to slowly, gently reintegrate back into society again, and not have fear about having not processed everything yet. Additionally, I realized that others can help me in this processing by asking tough questions and encouraging me to share. In my conversations, I can begin to identify some of the choice pearls that keep surfacing. And I cannot wait for these questions!
The pain of leaving India is still very real and raw, though I have kept in touch with my family there as much as possible. I think this is because I didn't leave India on my own terms, in a sense. Something happened that was beyond my control, God's plan was different than my own. I obsess and try to remember what all happened that led to my coming home, where did it start, what exactly happened, what could I have done differently, all the harmful would've should've could've-s getting in the way...There's a lot I don't know. I know that my last two months in India were very challenging and that it became too much at some point. I know that God is and was in control during all of that. But I can't help but feel like a failure some days, falling into puddles of guilt, or mostly just confusion. Sometimes I realize that I'm in back in the U.S. and I'm like, "Wait, what happened, how did I get here!?" At night especially, the enemy speaks lies to me about my own inadequacy and I just have to tell him to CAN IT! I know that God's timing is perfect and that He knew what He was doing bringing me home. I know that I got sick, and that we all get sick, and that when we get sick we need to get well, and that all this is part of life, and it's okay.
Jesus told them, "Go home to your people and tell them what Our God has done for you." Mark 5:19
Recently, I felt Him speak a promise and a word of hope into my heart. I felt that He revealed to me that I am viewing my experience as being over, when in fact, just one phase of it is-the actual being there. There was the preparation, a time of much excitement, anticipation, and incredible support. There was the being there which was amazing and challenging and vivid and so much else... And now, in coming home, I get to take what I experienced and SHARE with others, and this is still part of the experience, as well as being a new experience in and of itself. This is just as important-maybe more important, in some respects. God told me, "Claudia, I'm not done with this yet! Do not limit me. I still have lots to do with this," and I felt comfort from Him knowing that new chapters are opening, things I don't yet know, new horizons, new ways in which God will provide for me to incorporate what I've learned and experienced in my sphere of influence here, are still to come. I'm so thankful for this. I hope that I am faithful in sharing COPIOUSLY what I've learned...once I figure more of that out. But I know that He has been most faithful and I will tell of His faithfulness. Maybe now it's just enough to share what I've seen? and leave the lessons and the message up to God... Lord, help me to be faithful in TELLING what I have seen! And thank you for the promise that this is just a phase that has ended and that there is much yet to come, more than I can possibly imagine right now.
I mentioned before that home certainly looks different now. I feel overwhelmed in general by stores and how many choices we have of everything. It seems really ridiculous. I remember how big and wide and scary the roads here looked after returning. I'm still wearing fleece and lamb wool slippers all the time and scarves and missing feeling like I was constantly in a sauna. I can get overwhelmed going to restaurants and everything just felt so needlessly excessive. Dishwashers seem like a silly concept. Why do we use so many dishes, anyhow? Familiar things looks silly, wasteful, or empty. But my vision has changed to notice many new things I wouldn't have seen before.
I am moving forward. I have started driving again and getting out of the house. I am beginning to go shopping for things by myself again, drive downtown, all little things that feel like big accomplishments to me. I have opened and read the big pile of goodbye letters on my desk. I have been talking on the phone more and beginning to get out and meet with people to talk about my experiences. I have not yet resumed working on the book for the Choir Directors. I went back to church for the first time this past weekend, was greeted with many wonderful hugs, and enjoyed dinner with Roger and Betsy afterwards. I'll start attending a class at church this week. I'm beginning to reconnect with old private students and friends, and also getting reinvolved in MPC's ESL ministry as a tutor. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to go back to work, but what an AWESOME church family I have to be so understanding and patient and supportive. (Before I went to India, I worked as Worship & Arts Assistant, assistant to the music director, at my home church, Memorial Park Evangelical Presbyterian Church, and my church family has invited me back to this position.) I realize that I am ridiculously lucky to come back from this year and have a job waiting for me.
It's back and forth all the time. A face of one of my Indian friends suddenly pops up in my mind and I get choked up. But then I find joy in so much now that I always took for granted-like showers. Tonight I had to buy two things at the grocery store, but I spent time wandering around the store, amazed at the fact that I was alone and could just browse, something you can't do in India. I am relishing the wide open skies and big spaces in my neighborhood and walking or hiking most days. I still can't get myself to drink water from the tap, haha.
I am feeling better every day and am much more emotionally stable. His peace is seeping into my spirit, more peace than I have let in in a long, long time. I am feeling like something inside of me that was wound up really tight for so long, all the fear and anxiety, is slowly loosening and relaxing. I am feeling calm. I am breathing deep, walking, taking one day at a time. I appreciate your prayers against the anxiety and depression and know that they are helping me.
There are still so, so many stories to share. Stay tuned for lots of videos and photos of my last weeks there.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. DO NOT BE AFRAID; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away
In the waves of His mercy
As deep cries out to deep.
I have been back in the U.S. for almost three weeks now. I alternate between feeling home and feeling like I just left my home. It's amazing how much faster time has been going since I returned; the days were usually very long and slow in India. It's a testament to the healing I'm experiencing that my life feels like it's beginning to flow a little bit more. I talked last time about how I feel like I have an ocean of memories, and that I have to sift through drop by drop until the is becomes the was.
I've realized a couple of things about this process, a process that feels like grieving. Firstly, I realized that this will take a lifetime, and so my mentality of "Ok, I have to process India first, and then I can move on with my life" isn't correct. God wants me to move on, and I can perhaps process and begin anew here at the same time. Isolating myself in the house a lot these past few weeks has been very good in ways, but I've also found myself sitting around waiting for the "processing" to happen, like it's just going to happen without my doing anything. I think God is telling me that the experiences may receive their meaning, new meaning, when placed in my current context, instead of just in mind-India, where I spend a lot of time.
Secondly, with my realizing that this is going to take a long time, I can't sit around and wait until I feel "normal" again, whatever that means. I will never be who I was before my time in India and I don't want to be. I have greatly changed. In familiar circumstances it is easy to appear normal, just like I was before I left. I look basically the same, except having lost some weight. Don't let that fool you. A lot has changed in me and my heart. I don't know what the changes were exactly, but there was a lot of growth. It was good. So I feel that God has given me the go ahead to slowly, gently reintegrate back into society again, and not have fear about having not processed everything yet. Additionally, I realized that others can help me in this processing by asking tough questions and encouraging me to share. In my conversations, I can begin to identify some of the choice pearls that keep surfacing. And I cannot wait for these questions!
The pain of leaving India is still very real and raw, though I have kept in touch with my family there as much as possible. I think this is because I didn't leave India on my own terms, in a sense. Something happened that was beyond my control, God's plan was different than my own. I obsess and try to remember what all happened that led to my coming home, where did it start, what exactly happened, what could I have done differently, all the harmful would've should've could've-s getting in the way...There's a lot I don't know. I know that my last two months in India were very challenging and that it became too much at some point. I know that God is and was in control during all of that. But I can't help but feel like a failure some days, falling into puddles of guilt, or mostly just confusion. Sometimes I realize that I'm in back in the U.S. and I'm like, "Wait, what happened, how did I get here!?" At night especially, the enemy speaks lies to me about my own inadequacy and I just have to tell him to CAN IT! I know that God's timing is perfect and that He knew what He was doing bringing me home. I know that I got sick, and that we all get sick, and that when we get sick we need to get well, and that all this is part of life, and it's okay.
Jesus told them, "Go home to your people and tell them what Our God has done for you." Mark 5:19
Recently, I felt Him speak a promise and a word of hope into my heart. I felt that He revealed to me that I am viewing my experience as being over, when in fact, just one phase of it is-the actual being there. There was the preparation, a time of much excitement, anticipation, and incredible support. There was the being there which was amazing and challenging and vivid and so much else... And now, in coming home, I get to take what I experienced and SHARE with others, and this is still part of the experience, as well as being a new experience in and of itself. This is just as important-maybe more important, in some respects. God told me, "Claudia, I'm not done with this yet! Do not limit me. I still have lots to do with this," and I felt comfort from Him knowing that new chapters are opening, things I don't yet know, new horizons, new ways in which God will provide for me to incorporate what I've learned and experienced in my sphere of influence here, are still to come. I'm so thankful for this. I hope that I am faithful in sharing COPIOUSLY what I've learned...once I figure more of that out. But I know that He has been most faithful and I will tell of His faithfulness. Maybe now it's just enough to share what I've seen? and leave the lessons and the message up to God... Lord, help me to be faithful in TELLING what I have seen! And thank you for the promise that this is just a phase that has ended and that there is much yet to come, more than I can possibly imagine right now.
I mentioned before that home certainly looks different now. I feel overwhelmed in general by stores and how many choices we have of everything. It seems really ridiculous. I remember how big and wide and scary the roads here looked after returning. I'm still wearing fleece and lamb wool slippers all the time and scarves and missing feeling like I was constantly in a sauna. I can get overwhelmed going to restaurants and everything just felt so needlessly excessive. Dishwashers seem like a silly concept. Why do we use so many dishes, anyhow? Familiar things looks silly, wasteful, or empty. But my vision has changed to notice many new things I wouldn't have seen before.
I am moving forward. I have started driving again and getting out of the house. I am beginning to go shopping for things by myself again, drive downtown, all little things that feel like big accomplishments to me. I have opened and read the big pile of goodbye letters on my desk. I have been talking on the phone more and beginning to get out and meet with people to talk about my experiences. I have not yet resumed working on the book for the Choir Directors. I went back to church for the first time this past weekend, was greeted with many wonderful hugs, and enjoyed dinner with Roger and Betsy afterwards. I'll start attending a class at church this week. I'm beginning to reconnect with old private students and friends, and also getting reinvolved in MPC's ESL ministry as a tutor. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to go back to work, but what an AWESOME church family I have to be so understanding and patient and supportive. (Before I went to India, I worked as Worship & Arts Assistant, assistant to the music director, at my home church, Memorial Park Evangelical Presbyterian Church, and my church family has invited me back to this position.) I realize that I am ridiculously lucky to come back from this year and have a job waiting for me.
It's back and forth all the time. A face of one of my Indian friends suddenly pops up in my mind and I get choked up. But then I find joy in so much now that I always took for granted-like showers. Tonight I had to buy two things at the grocery store, but I spent time wandering around the store, amazed at the fact that I was alone and could just browse, something you can't do in India. I am relishing the wide open skies and big spaces in my neighborhood and walking or hiking most days. I still can't get myself to drink water from the tap, haha.
I am feeling better every day and am much more emotionally stable. His peace is seeping into my spirit, more peace than I have let in in a long, long time. I am feeling like something inside of me that was wound up really tight for so long, all the fear and anxiety, is slowly loosening and relaxing. I am feeling calm. I am breathing deep, walking, taking one day at a time. I appreciate your prayers against the anxiety and depression and know that they are helping me.
There are still so, so many stories to share. Stay tuned for lots of videos and photos of my last weeks there.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. DO NOT BE AFRAID; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
I've read and re-read your blog, and each time I do, I want to put my arms around you and hug you for hours. I truly believe my heart is praying for you as I read. Anything that I could add would just be cliche's, even though they would be well intended. I will continue to pray for you but I do look forward to the time when I can give you that hug. Hugs are healing.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Bob