Faculty Voice Program & Choir Directors Training Program Wrap Up

I have been home almost a month now. It's hard to believe. I still feel like I just stepped off the plane. However, there is just so much that happened during my last weeks in India. May we rewind?

I decided around the 20th of March that it was time to go home. After deciding, I still needed to direct two different Kottayam Mixed Voices concerts, one on April 1st and the other on the 7th, so I decided to leave as soon as those were finished. We still needed to wrap up of all of the programs and tie some loose strings. With MUCH help, I was able to formally finish a lot of things. But after deciding to go home, sticking around for three additional weeks was very challenging. These were probably the most emotionally intense weeks of my time in India- an intense emotional blur, with far too many decisions and goodbyes to internalize while I was there. There was much to do in little time and so suddenly my schedule was full.


Anyhow, once I had decided I was leaving, I was afraid to tell everyone, afraid of what they would think, afraid that they would try to convince me to stay, afraid of how I would explain....just afraid of such a daunting task. But everyone was incredibly supportive- far more than I could ever have anticipated. Gigi Sir, in his ever-calm, even-keel, manner, had always said that "there is a solution to every problem." He saw this decision as the right and natural solution to a problem, and from then on, bent over backwards to help me complete everything I needed to. Vimal Sir was also so supportive and did everything in his power to help me complete the programs, just as he had been helping me every step of the way all year. Dear Ann, Rinsy, and Sheny encouraged me to do what was best for me and to not be afraid of going home, and they were right by my side during difficult hours. They laughed and cried with me. I will always love them as sisters. After all, they reasoned with me, the academic year was ending and the college was closing soon anyhow, as were many of my programs. They helped me with my decision and then to stick to it when I wavered. I was surrounded by many caring voices of love and reason, imploring me to not be afraid. To all of you who supported me, both near and far away during that time, thank you for encouraging me in doing what was right for me in a time where I was unsure and overwhelmed. I cannot express how thankful I am to you.


Work on the book for the Choir Directors Program came to a halt. (At that point, I had about 3 or 4 chapters written). We had originally decided that a video and audio component would be necessary to supplement the book, especially in explaining and demonstrating vocal techniques, warm-ups, and the conducting elements we had covered in class. So I spent some significant time before I left videorecording all of this for the choir directors' use. This was with Dr. Aswan, of Harp n'Lyre's, help. It was pretty funny doing a lot of the teaching and lecturing again but just to a camera. :) So now we've got about 4 to 5 hours of video of me explaining this stuff. I hope it will be useful.

We finished up the Faculty Voice program. Before concluding the program, we reviewed all that we had covered all year and had a kind of informal exam so that I could evaluate what all they had retained, and they also filled out evaluations on what they had thought of the course, what was most helpful, what was least helpful, suggestions, etc. The feedback was excellent and most encouraging, and the "exams" showed that most of the student retained much of the basic music fundamentals we'd learned. But far more importantly, we had spent many hours together and bonded. In those last classes, I was acutely aware of the enthusiasm and the devotion of the faculty. We sang even when the power went out, and had class by the light of our cell phones. When the sound of the rain made it hard to hear, we huddled closer together and sang louder. Ben and Steve, the youngest students, picked up everything we'd learned all year in about two weeks, and caught everyone else up. :)

As for the Choir Directors Program, we finished it up by compressing all of the information into two or three more highly-concentrated sessions. Our last classes were really great- I felt like we had finally achieved our goal of creating a forum where opinions and questions were freely expressed. I was proud and happy to stand back as the students took on a much more involved role. We spent a lot of time discussing rehearsal strategies and techniques: what the rehearsal environment should and should not be, how to rehearse, how to pace the rehearsal...and how to really teach and rehearse a piece of music well-what to do when and what not to do when. After lots of discussion, I felt like there was a lot of new knowledge shared that the choir directors were excited to implement.

During our last class, the class was instructed to lead and explain as many warm-ups as they could without any help from me or from notes. I left the room while they discussed and brainstormed, and came back to discover that they had successfully remembered every warm-up I'd taught them and could lead one another in them! We spent the rest of the session in a kind of choral-troubleshooting session: "Common Problems in Your Choir and How to Fix Them." I encouraged them to bring their choir's unique issues to the table to discuss. As each issue was presented, they were encouraged to discuss their own solutions based on what all they had learned before I gave my input. I feel that I have been able, throughout the entire course, to supply them with many of the tools they will need for their choral "toolbag."

Additionally, we arranged two make-up days for students who had missed classes so that they could still learn the material.

Before qualifying for their certificate, each student completed a comprehensive take-home exam of everything that we had learned since Day 1- a lot of material. We also had a separate conducting exam. All in all, our course ended being about 50 hours of instruction.

So from November to April, here's what all we covered in the course:

• Kodaly rhythms and hand signals
• Warm-ups: understanding and leading them
• Voice training
• Sight-reading and rhythm-reading
• Listening to good recordings to identify and break down "the good choir sound"
• Listening to local recordings to discuss what to improve and how to improve it
• Common pronunciation errors in singing
• The basics of choral conducting (this was the majority of the course)
• Expression, phrasing, and text painting
• Score preparation-developing an "Aural Image"
• Executing the Aural Image
• Structuring your rehearsal
• Rehearsal strategies, environment, pacing
• Rules of singing-(diphthongs, consonants, etc.)
• Common problems and how to fix them

They also filled out class evaluations and I was blessed to have excellent feedback. Everyone expressed that the course had been extremely helpful, informative, and a great opportunity. Most remarked that they had really appreciated its structure and highly-organized nature, and that it had also been enjoyable and eye-opening. One faculty member wrote, "This was perhaps the most organized course I have ever attended, or ever will attend." 

I'm writing these things not to toot my own horn, but to express my complete awe at just what an awesome opportunity this was. Truly, I feel that God really blessed this course and made it everything it was. It became so much more than I ever expected. I fumbled my way around, having never taught a course before. It was only through His grace that it was a success. I am so proud of my students, their hard work, and all that they learned and taught me. God awoke such a deep passion in me for teaching this course.

Because of His grace and the success of the program, it was decided that the Choir Directors Training Program would continue next year, as well, still as an official certificate program through the college. I am proud to have founded this and I hope that the seeds I planted will be able to grow and flourish far into the future. I hope that the book I'm working on will be a way to continue to share my knowledge (limited as it is) with the choirs of Kerala. I hope that this is just the beginning of much learning and sharing- and much beautiful singing.

Last Faculty Voice Training Program session

Front row L to R: Susan Miss, Rachel Miss, Ajitha Miss, Ben
Cinny Miss, Shobhana Miss, in the back, Mary Chandy Miss, Rebecca Miss

Photos from last CDP class:

Gifts from a care package:
Joe enjoys the singing Justin Bieber
toothbrush and Hufflepuff socks

Wesley loves his new pink fluffy pen. And in Kerala, you wear socks on your ears.
 (Not really.)

The lone females in the class stick together: Renju and Midhila

I literally received two care packages FILLED with candy right before the last class.
So we shared and ate it ALL :)

Vimal Sir, my right-hand man

In the front, Susheil, Blesson, and Wesley listen attentively.

Joe writes down all the warm-ups everyone can remember.

Jomy Sir, Bijo Sir, Prasad Sir

Moving Forward

All who are thirsty
                     All who are weak
            Come to the fountain
                                        Dip your heart in the stream of life
                                    Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away
                                                                           In the waves of His mercy
                                                                                            As deep cries out to deep.


I have been back in the U.S. for almost three weeks now. I alternate between feeling home and feeling like I just left my home. It's amazing how much faster time has been going since I returned; the days were usually very long and slow in India. It's a testament to the healing I'm experiencing that my life feels like it's beginning to flow a little bit more. I talked last time about how I feel like I have an ocean of memories, and that I have to sift through drop by drop until the is becomes the was.

I've realized a couple of things about this process, a process that feels like grieving. Firstly, I realized that this will take a lifetime, and so my mentality of "Ok, I have to process India first, and then I can move on with my life" isn't correct. God wants me to move on, and I can perhaps process and begin anew here at the same time. Isolating myself in the house a lot these past few weeks has been very good in ways, but I've also found myself sitting around waiting for the "processing" to happen, like it's just going to happen without my doing anything. I think God is telling me that the experiences may receive their meaning, new meaning, when placed in my current context, instead of just in mind-India, where I spend a lot of time.

Secondly, with my realizing that this is going to take a long time, I can't sit around and wait until I feel "normal" again, whatever that means. I will never be who I was before my time in India and I don't want to be. I have greatly changed. In familiar circumstances it is easy to appear normal, just like I was before I left. I look basically the same, except having lost some weight. Don't let that fool you. A lot has changed in me and my heart. I don't know what the changes were exactly, but there was a lot of growth. It was good. So I feel that God has given me the go ahead to slowly, gently reintegrate back into society again, and not have fear about having not processed everything yet. Additionally, I realized that others can help me in this processing by asking tough questions and encouraging me to share. In my conversations, I can begin to identify some of the choice pearls that keep surfacing. And I cannot wait for these questions!

The pain of leaving India is still very real and raw, though I have kept in touch with my family there as much as possible. I think this is because I didn't leave India on my own terms, in a sense. Something happened that was beyond my control, God's plan was different than my own. I obsess and try to remember what all happened that led to my coming home, where did it start, what exactly happened, what could I have done differently, all the harmful would've should've could've-s getting in the way...There's a lot I don't know. I know that my last two months in India were very challenging and that it became too much at some point. I know that God is and was in control during all of that. But I can't help but feel like a failure some days, falling into puddles of guilt, or mostly just confusion. Sometimes I realize that I'm in back in the U.S. and I'm like, "Wait, what happened, how did I get here!?" At night especially, the enemy speaks lies to me about my own inadequacy and I just have to tell him to CAN IT! I know that God's timing is perfect and that He knew what He was doing bringing me home. I know that I got sick, and that we all get sick, and that when we get sick we need to get well, and that all this is part of life, and it's okay.

Jesus told them, "Go home to your people and tell them what Our God has done for you." Mark 5:19

Recently, I felt Him speak a promise and a word of hope into my heart. I felt that He revealed to me that I am viewing my experience as being over, when in fact, just one phase of it is-the actual being there. There was the preparation, a time of much excitement, anticipation, and incredible support. There was the being there which was amazing and challenging and vivid and so much else... And now, in coming home, I get to take what I experienced and SHARE with others, and this is still part of the experience, as well as being a new experience in and of itself. This is just as important-maybe more important, in some respects. God told me, "Claudia, I'm not done with this yet! Do not limit me. I still have lots to do with this," and I felt comfort from Him knowing that new chapters are opening, things I don't yet know, new horizons, new ways in which God will provide for me to incorporate what I've learned and experienced in my sphere of influence here, are still to come. I'm so thankful for this. I hope that I am faithful in sharing COPIOUSLY what I've learned...once I figure more of that out. But I know that He has been most faithful and I will tell of His faithfulness. Maybe now it's just enough to share what I've seen? and leave the lessons and the message up to God... Lord, help me to be faithful in TELLING what I have seen! And thank you for the promise that this is just a phase that has ended and that there is much yet to come, more than I can possibly imagine right now.

I mentioned before that home certainly looks different now. I feel overwhelmed in general by stores and how many choices we have of everything. It seems really ridiculous. I remember how big and wide and scary the roads here looked after returning. I'm still wearing fleece and lamb wool slippers all the time and scarves and missing feeling like I was constantly in a sauna. I can get overwhelmed going to restaurants and everything just felt so needlessly excessive. Dishwashers seem like a silly concept. Why do we use so many dishes, anyhow? Familiar things looks silly, wasteful, or empty. But my vision has changed to notice many new things I wouldn't have seen before.

I am moving forward. I have started driving again and getting out of the house. I am beginning to go shopping for things by myself again, drive downtown, all little things that feel like big accomplishments to me. I have opened and read the big pile of goodbye letters on my desk.  I have been talking on the phone more and beginning to get out and meet with people to talk about my experiences. I have not yet resumed working on the book for the Choir Directors. I went back to church for the first time this past weekend, was greeted with many wonderful hugs, and enjoyed dinner with Roger and Betsy afterwards. I'll start attending a class at church this week. I'm beginning to reconnect with old private students and friends, and also getting reinvolved in MPC's ESL ministry as a tutor. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to go back to work, but what an AWESOME church family I have to be so understanding and patient and supportive. (Before I went to India, I worked as Worship & Arts Assistant, assistant to the music director, at my home church, Memorial Park Evangelical Presbyterian Church, and my church family has invited me back to this position.) I realize that I am ridiculously lucky to come back from this year and have a job waiting for me.

It's back and forth all the time. A face of one of my Indian friends suddenly pops up in my mind and I get choked up. But then I find joy in so much now that I always took for granted-like showers. Tonight I had to buy two things at the grocery store, but I spent time wandering around the store, amazed at the fact that I was alone and could just browse, something you can't do in India. I am relishing the wide open skies and big spaces in my neighborhood and walking or hiking most days. I still can't get myself to drink water from the tap, haha.

I am feeling better every day and am much more emotionally stable. His peace is seeping into my spirit, more peace than I have let in in a long, long time. I am feeling like something inside of me that was wound up really tight for so long, all the fear and anxiety, is slowly loosening and relaxing. I am feeling calm. I am breathing deep, walking, taking one day at a time. I appreciate your prayers against the anxiety and depression and know that they are helping me.

There are still so, so many stories to share. Stay tuned for lots of videos and photos of my last weeks there.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. DO NOT BE AFRAID; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 

As Deep Cries Out to Deep

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the ocean's raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes to You
-"I Will Lift My Eyes" Bebo Norman

Deep cries out to deep
              in the roar of your waterfalls;
                                                        all your waves and breakers
                                                                                                  have swept over me.
                                                                                                                   Psalm 42:7

Coming home feels like getting knocked over by waves and choosing pearls. But mostly, getting knocked over by waves.

I have been back in the U.S. for about a week. The henna tattoos that Sherina and Ledu covered my limbs with the night before I left have almost completely disappeared. I sit here, looking at the remnants of the thin brown lines covering my skin, feeling like they disappeared all too fast. I tried to replicate my name in Malayalam just as they did on my other arm, but it doesn't look anything like their writing.


When I walk around the house or outside, I keep hearing Malayalam words for different things, making me realize that I know a lot more Malayalam than I thought I knew. I am still wearing sandals, as closed-toe shoes feel really strange, and pants, long sleeves, a fleece and a scarf, because even though it's about 70 outside, it's about 30 degrees cooler than what I was used to.

I still have nail polish on only my non-eating hand, in true Kerala style. Though I'm looking around me, I'm seeing the faces of those in India. My mind wanders when anyone is talking to me, and I have to make a conscious effort not to shake my head, indicating "yes."

Yes, I'm home, but home is very different now. Home is the same, I guess, but I'm very different. Truly, I feel like I'm in a foreign country again. I know that this is normal. It fades a little with each passing day, just like the henna fades from my skin. I'm not quite in India, not quite here either... Maybe I'm still on the plane and it hasn't really landed yet.

I know that I'm with family, but I've left just as much family behind. "Are you happy to be home?" everyone asks. "Are you relieved?" Yes....and no. It depends on the moment. I do know that it was right for me to come home, though in God's timing and not in my own timing or in man's. I'm feeling much better, but also majorly confused as to where I am sometimes. Though in some ways I was truly ready to leave India, in other ways I distinctly was NOT ready. I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye to my new family-Gigi Sir and his family- and my sisters, the girls at the hostel. And so many others. But I never would have been ready. I think of certain people and family back in India and my heart aches I miss them so much, even though I've been in touch with them every day since I flew back. I felt actual physical pain in saying goodbye to everyone and in remembering them now. It's all so fresh it hurts.

Coming home, my street, house and room seem foreign to me. I have finally unpacked and put away my things, a week later. But there sits a pile of unopened goodbye letters and cards on my dresser that I haven't had the heart to open yet.

It's a strange place to be, wherever I am right now, floating somewhere between India and home, kinda like a plane that isn't really sure where to land. My feet aren't exactly sure where to plant, but I am slowly coaxing myself back to where I used to live, which feels like more new territory. Wherever I am right now, I know that I'm in the center of His hand.

Feelings, feelings...of all kinds and shapes and sizes... What are feelings? They wash over me. I dream vividly of India and wake to find myself back here, and all of reality floods over me, knocking me over in the waves. I stand up in between, but I still get knocked down by it all. There's lots to miss, things not to miss, things to rediscover, things to undiscover, mostly things I had discovered that I didn't know I had discovered...tons of things that never got sorted out but are now ready to be filed somewhere. Must they be filed? How long can I just keep them sitting all sprawled out in front of me?

Mostly is just this feeling that I have something so huge to share, but accompanying it, some hesitation of how to go about it. When someone asks, "How was India?" I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel the same way I think I'd feel if someone asked me, "How were the past five years of your life?" Mostly I just need to start to process...to start to sort through the thousands and thousands of thoughts and shells and pearls and feelings and impressions, to sift them for the nuggets that God desires for me to share. After all, I can't dump my entire experience over everyone's head. I can barely surface from it all myself.  I need to prayerfully spend lots of time considering what big lessons and experiences God desires most for me to share with others. I need to choose my pearls. I don't think that this will become clear right away, but after lots of time and lots of prayer. I can't wait to start sharing here about India, but I also can wait, because I'm not really ready to talk about it like it's in the past. I'm still so there in my mind. I feel like I'm grieving, in ways, grieving a friend, grieving a me that no longer exists, a me in India. It seems dramatic to describe this as grieving but it feels very similar to the times in my life I have grieved. Something that was, and was really really strong, loud, and powerful, is no more, or at least I'm no longer a part of it. Suddenly I'm back, back to "familiar" settings, not quite sure how I got here, alternately feeling like I took a long sea voyage and at other times like I just kinda landed here on this new shore, still wet and sandy. One feeling I do NOT feel is the feeling that it wasn't that long ago that I left home. It feels like years have passed. And I guess, in the number of new experiences, adventures, sights, relationships, and such, years have passed. And they were good, long, and full years.

It seems crazy to think that I was only in India eight months. It'll take me many, many more to live out in my mind all that I physically lived out. And I welcome this process, this mammoth filing project, this grieving, as it were, knowing that God has given me so much to share. I am excited to share with you all in person, but I'm very grateful for this time of processing, however long it may last. I'm thankful for the comfort of my home to sit and write and cry and get angry and sad and smile at things thousands of miles away and think it all out. But mostly, right now, I'm just in denial that I'm not in India anymore. Nonetheless, the Great Adventure of following after Him continues.

Am I found ready?

Ready for healing,
       ready for sharing,
                 ready for taking what is and allowing it,
                                     drop
                                                            by drop
                                                                                    by drop

                                                                                                    to become what was. 

It will come. I feel like each memory is a precious pearl I want to save, but who would have room for so many pearls? Besides, you can't make a necklace with all those, you have to choose the best pearls and wear them and share them.

Slowly but surely, it will come. Maybe little waves here and there, little pools of thoughts and memories collecting. Like a drop falling in a pool that spreads ripples, may my words be. May they be His words. May I choose them carefully, like a polished shell. May I walk with Him gently, peacefully, and patiently as we explore this new shore together, with the other shore so nearby in sight. Right now it's so close I could reach out and touch it, but in reality, it is the distant shore of India.

So loudly, deep cries out to deep on the beaches of my soul. All His waves and breakers have swept over me, and I lay here, wet and sandy, not getting up, letting the waves wash over me, at least for a little while longer.

Coming Home

"For HE said to me, 'My GRACE is sufficient for you, for my POWER is made perfect in WEAKNESS.' Most gladly, therefore, I will boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 

Dear friends,

Since last I posted, many things have changed. I have no idea where to begin. I last wrote about March, "I have no idea what plans God has for me for this month, but I'm excited about them!" March certainly included something I didn't expect: a call to return home.

There is so much to tell. How did I come to this decision? What all led up to this? Please know that this decision came with a very heavy heart and with much, much prayer from many people.

This entire year, I have battled head-to-head every day with anxiety. This battle has been very hard but it has refined me. I have been able to do so many things that I never imagined I would be able to. I have also discovered my limits. I wrote in a journal entry a couple months ago, "I am constantly running up against the walls of my limitations. I am discovering the dimensions of a box I didn't know existed. If I keep running hard enough against the walls of the box, will they expand?" In some ways, I think they have. I have been able to accomplish more than I ever dreamed I would be able to, through Christ's strength. 

But I have been limited, and I am so very, very human. As we all are. In discovering my own limitations, I have discovered God's lack of limitations. In running up against my own walls I have seen that His love knows no bounds. I have fought with my flesh. I have asked God to remove the thorn in my side. He has not, but instead, He showed me how much I could still do with that thorn still in me. And for that I am SO THANKFUL. He showed me that even in my weakness, I could STILL SERVE HIM and give Him my all.

And so despite anxiety, I fought on, being supported by His strength alone every day. I haven't been able to accomplish anything on my own strength here. I have never felt so inadequate as I have in this year, and I have found that His strength is more than enough to support me and to work through me. If there is anything good I have accomplished here, any lives changed, any friendships formed, I can say, truthfully, that it is ONLY in the Lord that these have happened. And many, many, many good things have happened. More than I could ever have dreamed of. More friendships made than I ever would have imagined. My ties here are so strong. I feel God's hands having bound me to the land, to the people, my voice mingled in their own. I have known deep, deep life in Him here. I have clung to His word with all my strength, and I have found it to be my sword and my strength against the attacks of the enemy.

Around the end of February, I sunk into a depression. I thought initially it was just feeling down after the amazing visit at Freedom Firm. But I kept sinking, lower and lower until I found myself in a place I'd never been before, new places that frightened me. I continued to try to do everything as much as I could but I had absolutely no internal resources left and it became difficult for me to do my work. I fought and fought and the depression worsened to include physical effects. During this time, everyone around me was immensely supportive. With the recommendation of my doctor back home, I tried starting medication, but it's just too hard to figure out this kind of medication and deal with all the side effects from 12,000 miles away from home and from my doctor.

During this, in around the third week of March, God made it clear to me that it was time to go home. At first I was very reluctant to hear it. But I realized that I was putting my health in danger. I was fighting, fighting, fighting, but I was deeply hurting. I realized that I hadn't felt like myself in months, that my attitudes and thoughts were not at all like me. I realized that I had become sick. In one big culminating moment, I had a huge internal struggle, where I was fighting to stay because I wanted to stay, and I felt God said to me, "Claudia, stop fighting. You've done what I sent you to do here. Now it's time to be healed." I realized that the only reason I was fighting to stick it out until the end was so that I could say that I completed my year. That's it. It was all about ME and my pride. My pride took me a long time to admit that this was bigger than me, that this was out of my control, and that I had not been myself in a long time.

This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I went back and forth and back and forth on it. I prayed for God to clarify things for me, to just show me His will. I knew that my will was to stay and fight, but I couldn't do it any more. I didn't want to spend the rest of my time in India counting down the days until I go home and barely making it through each day. The struggle was over. 

I admitted that I really needed to seek healing, and that I felt that I needed to be home to receive healing. I never expected this. I never wished this. I didn't think this is how my year would end. The enemy attacked me with lies about being a failure and a quitter.

It took me awhile before I told anyone my decision, but once I did, everyone was extremely supportive. More supportive than I could've hoped for. They all had known that I was struggling and seen that I was battling, and wanted to help me, to see me healthy again. They helped me battle the lies that Satan was feeding me about being a failure because I hadn't completed my year.

After all, I was going to return home in June, and now I'm returning home in April. Most of my programs were ending in April anyhow. This has allowed me to give myself some grace. And some very exciting news: a couple months back I was asked by a couple of the choir directors to write a book on choir directing so that they would have something to keep once I left. I wrote about 40 pages of the book (oh my goodness do I feel so unqualified), and Dr. Aswan of Harp n' Lyre music academy, and one of the members of the Director's Program, helped me complete a video series component to go along with the book demonstrating conducting fundamentals and warm-ups. I will be continuing this work from home and will remain actively in touch with my friends back here as they help me edit the book. So though I am leaving, my work with this community is not finished.

So I realized that I was making this a much bigger deal than it is and that it was more important that I take care of my health. When you get sick, you seek help to get better. And that's what I need to do. It took me awhile, but I'm not afraid to admit that, now. I know that I am weak, and I will boast about my weaknesses, hoping that the power of Christ will dwell in me. 

I have been feeling so much better about my decision. God has given me a deep peace about it that I would not have thought possible a few weeks back. It is the hope that I will soon be well again, and the truth that I HAVE been successful. I know that He has plans for this testimony. No, I have not finished the time of mission that I set out to finish, but I have finished what He intended me to finish, in His timing and in His plan, not in my own. God had different plans for me than I had for myself. After all, in serving Him we must be flexible. We do not know where or when we may be called, but we must follow after Him. And we do not know when He will call us to another place to serve, or when He will call us home. We do not know what lies ahead. We must follow Him day by day, not with our own plans and our own boundaries, but go where He goes, stay where He stays, and move when He tells us to move. We must walk with Him, just day by day, step by step.

God made it very clear that my time in India (for now) has come to a close. I gave everything I had to the relationships and the programs here, and for that, I am pleased. I don't think I withheld an inch of myself. I feel that I really gave my all, and it's a good feeling to know that I don't have regrets or that I withheld a part of myself from His service. The professors all helped me wrap up my programs earlier and they all finished successfully. Gigi Sir and all of the professors and everyone could not have been more understanding. Initially I wanted to come straight home but I strived to stay to direct the two Kottayam Mixed Voices concerts, one on April 1st and one on the 7th.

There is so much more to share, but I will do so later. The past couple of weeks have been filled with wonderful send-offs, finishing up the programs, having convocations for the programs, and so on. I'll write more later about how everything finished up. These are the most difficult goodbyes I have ever had to say. I am saying goodbye to the people who took care of me as parents and family. I am saying goodbye to brothers and sisters. But I hope, Lord willing, to return to India.

I know that this will come as a shock to most of you. Please know that this has been a decision surrounded by much prayer and the seeking of God's will through wisdom and discernment by many, many people, for a long time. Thank you so much for being so supportive and for encouraging me to take care of myself when I need to. Thank you for loving me, and giving me a place to share my testimony of what He is teaching me here.

I will update more later. I will be returning on this Wednesday, the 11th, travelling for two days, and still arriving on the 11th (because of the time zone changes). Please pray for me during this difficult time and these heartbreaking goodbyes. Please pray for peace of mind during travel and for God to protect me for anxiety as I travel home. 

I hope and pray that you are all doing well. A better support system I could never have asked for. I can't wait to see you soon and begin to share with you all that the Lord showed me in India. I know that this is just the beginning. God has plans for me and for this testimony, and I believe that He is going to use every bit of this to make me more a more effective servant of His. I believe that He will awaken me to be restored to better than before.

Wishing you a very happy Easter, as we celebrate worldwide the ETERNAL LIFE we have through our Savior, Christ Jesus! THANK YOU, JESUS, for dying on the cross that we may know You and draw closer to You for eternity! Thank You for sending us Your son and for caring for us as you do. 

In Christ,

Claudia

Hostel Day (or the time I sang the Titanic song, was dressed up like a man, and lost and regained all my music in one night)

Two weeks ago was the second big celebration of the year at Lea Hostel other than Christmas: Hostel Day! Hostel Day is the big celebration of Lea Hostel before the 3rd D.C. and 2nd P.G. students graduate.

The festivities were copious. There was a program on stage, attended by all the girls of the hostel and some of the college faculty. Beginning at 6 pm, it lasted until THREE A.M.!!!

The girls acted out a variety of crazy skits, sang songs, and awarded prizes. Mostly, however, it was dancing. Lots and lots and lots of dancing. I'm going to make a cultural generalization here and say that every girl in India is a ridiculously good dancer. I have never met so many good dancers in my entire life. The second years had choreographed TEN different dances to perform. They were amazing, so in step. I can't believe they memorized the steps to ten different choreographed group dances, all with different costumes and music, and performed them all in one night! Talk about talented. These girls are so amazing and continually blow me away.

I bought and had a new sari made for the occasion. Early on in the program, I played guitar and sang "Nanniode njan," my favorite Malayalam hymn. There were also treats and speeches given.

During the middle of the program, a girl needed to have a song burned onto a CD for a dance, so I did it for her. As I put her flash drive into my computer, her flash drive had a virus and deleted all of my music on my iTunes account, over 5000 songs. I handed her the CD and said nothing. Turned my computer off and on again. The songs were gone. The girl standing next to me saw that something had happened and saw my empty iTunes. I told her I wasn't sure what had happened, but that my files had disappeared. Right as this happened, I was called on stage to sing the song from Titanic.

Timing. Sigh. I felt God say to me, This is an opportunity to show grace. I took a few deep breaths and went on stage while the track began to play. I felt like crying, realizing I'd just lost all my music. I began to sing, and saw all the girls smiling at me, and suddenly realized how stupid it was to be upset about the music. It really didn't matter. What mattered was them, and singing for them, and making them smile. The third years in the back of the audience stood up and swayed. I threw all of myself into that song and sang my heart out. The girls had been asking me all year to perform the song from Titanic, and so I'd prepared it for them, and as I found myself on stage, in a sari, belting this song, I felt unspeakable joy. Joy that this was such a hilarious memory, joy that every day I am being given so many opportunities to show grace.

The night ensued. The faculty left, everyone ran to eat dinner and change into comfy clothes, and then the skits and dances got crazier, with many elaborate costumes and props. At 1:30 in the morning, I found myself as part of a fashion show. The girls sat me down and did my makeup and dressed me up_AS A MAN! Every girl with a fancy outfit for the fashion show also had a "man" to walk out with. So I catwalked all over the stage as a man.

So in one evening I went from

this...                                                                                            

...to this.

At 2:30 am, I went upstairs to my room and sat down. I prayed that my songs weren't lost. I turned my computer on and off and few times, and after a few times, I found my songs elsewhere on my computer!!! Miraculous! I was overjoyed! I hadn't lost anything! See how silly it was for you to be worried? I ran to find the girl with the flash drive and told her it all right! And then I went back to my room, washed off my mustache and sideburns, and went to bed.

It was a pretty wild night.

Father, thank You for the joy of Hostel Day. Thank you for the wonderful memories and for all the joy. And thank you for always taking care of us, Your children, even in the little things. Forgive me for all the small things I get upset by that really don't matter. Forgive me for losing sight of all the blessings surrounding me when I focus on one thing that's wrong. Help me to keep my eyes on You at all times. Thank You that when we pray to You about anything, even little things, You hear our prayers, Lord. 

Sorry the recording is not so great.

The girls eagerly waiting for the program to start

Singing "Nanniode jnan"

The event was called "Melodeon"

Hilarious second-years: Soumya tries to "woo" Tina with her guitar-playing abilities in this comic dance

All the second-years, after a dance they performed where each "guy" successfully wooed a partner

A dance celebrating the traditional dances of Kerala farmers

Amazing costumes for a traditional dance

Ledu and I after the first portion of the program

Sporting the "2nd Runner Up" banner from the Miss Lea competition.

Shenanigans

Why God Doesn't Give Us Everything We Want

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. " James 1:2-4

At the Freedom Firm staff retreat, Roger led us in a series of study sessions entitled "Keep Climbing: Why God Doesn't Give Us Everything We Want." I was so moved by this study and I thought I would share with you some of these insights, that you might also be blessed by them.

"Many times as God is trying to deepen your faith, He will shake you at the core of the things you find security in, because He wants to be the place you find security in." Amen. As I reflect on this, I know that I find security in routine and predictability and in knowing things ahead of time, which are things that I no longer have in India. Father, I praise You that You don't leave us in our comfort zones, but that you call us out of them after You. Father, thank you that you love us too much to leave us the way we are! Lord, you use discomfort to draw us to You-the only Source of comfort.

If I ask myself from where does my discouragement stem, I realize that it is from my expectations, spoken or unspoken, not being met. Lord, may I rid myself of my expectations. May they be replaced with a deeper trust in You.

Why doesn't God take our problems away? Why doesn't He just removed the difficulties? Why doesn't He just flatten the mountain? Instead, He equips us with what we need to overcome the mountain. He doesn't just come and rescue us all the time, sometimes he leaves us in the fire for a little while to be refined, for our impurities and false securities to be burned away, and to show us His sufficiency, that we might come to believe in His power!

There are three ways that God can work in our lives:
1) Intervention: when God changes the circumstances and does something only He can do.
2) Interaction: when God empowers us to do something. God comforts us so that we can comfort others. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
3) Inner Action: when God changes us. Paul was in prison 7 times and God only intervened one time with a miracle. In Philippians 4, Paul writes about his joy in the middle of being imprisoned. The circumstances hadn't changed, but Paul had.

I read James 1:17, which says that "Every good and perfect gift is from heaven." Have I ever thought of trials as part of God's "good and perfect gifts?" No, I certainly haven't. But they are! Why do I always forget that my perseverance in trials produces maturity and fruitfulness, and that God has me in it for a reason, to mold me and shape me?

What is it that makes me anxious? Practicing an attitude of prayerfulness will give me peace in my heart and mind. I really struggle in my prayer life, and I am terribly inconsistent. As I was reading Beth Moore's book Breaking Free recently, she said that we are to ask God for anything that we are lacking. Anything! And she said, "If you're lacking a desire to pray and to spend time with God in prayer, ask God to create that desire in you!" I've been asking God to give me a desire to pray, to remain in Him in prayer.

What are we to exchange our anxieties with? With prayer and petition, with thanksgiving! "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,  through prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7. God promises us ridiculous, illogical peace, peace beyond all understanding, if we come to Him, if we cast all our anxieties on Him. How often does I draw on Christ's power to help me find contentment in my circumstances? Do I really believe that Jesus' presence is more than enough no matter how stormy my life gets? Do I live like that? Am I content to keep climbing in silence, to remain in Him? Do I find my joy and peace in just being with Him, in spending time with Him? "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

We must surrender all to Christ, even our thought life. Lord, take control of my thought life! "We take every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5b. I must actively take my thoughts and the lies that Satan tells me and make them obedient to Christ.

Every time God takes us through a storm in life, every time He creates a challenge in front of us, He's trying to create a new perspective that begins to change the way we view life and God. How often do we look for fulfillment or happiness in something or someone else besides Christ? I know that I look for fulfillment a lot in the approval of others and in my activities, instead of in my relationship with Christ.

So I go running every other day to keep myself physically fit. But am I similarly training myself towards godliness? "Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers. " I Tim. 4:11,16

How often do I find myself relying on my own strength or intelligence? If I'm honest, that's most of the time. I came to India on much of my own strength, confidence, and self-assurance. And I found myself broken and hurting, with His strength alone to sustain me. And I have found that His strength is enough for me, it is more than enough. I consider myself blessed to have the chance to learn this.

God doesn't just make things easy and remove all our difficulties. But He goes before us, He holds our hand, and because He cares about us, He equips us with His strength to overcome anything. So what would we rather have: immediate removal from difficulties, or all we need to overcome anything we might face in this life? Christ offers us that and more. His grace is more than sufficient.

Where are you praying for deliverance in your life? What if you prayed not for deliverance, but for what you need to persevere? Ought we to expand our prayers beyond the horizons of deliverance, and realize that God has reasons for keeping us where He has us, because He is doing a work in us?

Lord, thank You that You know us so much better than we know ourselves. Thank You that we can trust that You know what You're doing, even when we don't. Thank you for caring enough about us to mold us and shape us into Your image, a process that will take eternity. Thank You for not giving us everything we want, but always giving us all that we need. Thank You that You use trials to Your glory, always, if we will but give them over to You. Father, be Lord of my struggles and help me to rest in the knowledge that You intend ALL things for good. Amen.

MARCH!

It's MARCH! How exciting! I am excited about this new month and the adventures it will hold. As I've said countless times, every day in India is quite the adventure and filled with surprises. So on boldly to a new month with new things God has to teach me!

It's beginning to get a lot hotter here...I thought it was hot before, but that wasn't hot at all apparently. Summer is coming, so say the locals, though others say summer is already here. We're not quite sure. One of the things I love about India is there aren't set seasons like we have in the U.S. Back home we have four clearly delineated seasons that start on a specific day. Here, seasons are super vague. I discovered this when I taught my first English classes here on seasons. As I went from room to room of students, I asked them how many seasons they have in India. "Two...?" to "Five?" were the answers I got. No one really knows. And some say summer started in February, while someone else will tell me that summer is coming in April and then May; someone else says it is currently spring. Who knows? So at some point in the future, either near or far away, we are entering into a new season, which may be either spring or summer. At any rate, it's getting hotter. There's no confusion about that.

I spent most of January and February travelling, or preparing for a trip, or returning from and processing a trip. And now...it is March, and I am back at my site, really BACK, trying to remember what I was doing. I returned from Freedom Firm two weeks ago, and I am still so filled up with good things from that trip and still processing all that God revealed to me. Last night I had the privilege of showing the girls at the hostel the photos from my trip and telling them all about Freedom Firm's ministry.

Because it is March, Baker schools are now having exams. April and May are holidays. So I recently spent my last days teaching at Baker until JUNE. That is hard to believe. That means that two full days of teaching per week are now open. Additionally, April and May will be holiday months too at CMS. So I have got some holes of free time taking me unawares right now. I realized that I have, at most, obligations 12-15 hours per week, if nothing gets cancelled, and I can count on at least three or four classes a week being cancelled for various reasons. As someone who has always been terrible at relaxing, at first I was really struggling with all this free time. But I reminded myself that I showed up in India in September with NO plans whatsoever, and how abundantly God provided! Oh, you of little faith! How silly of me to think that God won't provide activities for me again just as He did before? And He has been! I am very excited and thankful for some new projects that have surfaced:

1) Firstly, I have been enjoying playing worship songs with the girls in the evenings all year. About a month ago, the second years said, "We need to do this more often. Let's set a night every week to do this together." And so we have! We haven't always been able to for various reasons, but have started to enjoy more regularly playing music, learning songs, and worshiping together. This is wonderful. Most of the girls that like the songs are Christian, but some of the girls learning them are Hindu, too.I greatly look forward to this worship with the girls. We have recently been learning and singing, "Give Me Jesus." The other night, my mom called me while we were playing. She asked what I was doing, and I said, "I'm with two of the girls and we're singing "Give Me Jesus." So we put my mom on speaker phone and she sang along with us. My heart was smiling. Please pray that this group might become more than just the singing of songs, but that this might grow into a time of prayer and Bible study as well if it is God's will.

2) Also dealing with worship, there is a group of boys at the college who enjoy meeting and singing worship songs together. I've been trying to find a weekly time to meet with them. It hasn't happened yet, but if the Lord wills, this will be another time of worship and sharing during the week.

3) This past week I started giving make-up Choir Director's Program classes to a director who was coming to the program for awhile, but can no longer come on Saturdays. Though he can no longer come to the class, he asked to meet with me weekly for a make-up class, like a private conducting and voice lesson. I was pleasantly surprised! It speaks mounds to me that instead of dropping the course, he wants to learn the material badly enough that he still wants to continue to study privately. Praise the Lord for the devotion of this student!

4) This past Saturday, God opened some other doors. I taught a first guitar lesson with Anne, the wife of Jecko, one of the professors at the college and a friend. Anne has been wanting to learn from me all year and we finally started lessons! We will meet each Saturday afternoon. I told Anne that I never actually learned guitar, I've just picked up a little bit here and there. "That's okay," she said, "Just teach me what you know!" I want to share with you a huge blessing and answer to prayer that came out of this: yesterday, in the middle of our lesson, Anne and I started talking, really talking, and she asked me all kinds of questions about how I'm doing, what I'm learning, how I've changed, what I think of India....and I just totally opened up and poured my heart out. We quickly bonded as we talked about what the Lord has been teaching. It was beautiful. And this turned into a time of prayer and worship. I was choked up having found such a friend. It was Anne's suggestion that after each guitar lesson, we meet for a time of prayer and Bible study as well. My heart leapt at this suggestion and I am so thankful for this answer to a prayer and source of fellowship, as I have really been missing group Bible study.

So God is providing new friendships and activities, for which I am very grateful.

As for an update on the not-so-new:

I continue to teach Jemima weekly, as she continues to inspire me with her voice. We're currently working on "Der Nussbaum." Vimal and I continue to have a steady stream of impromptu classes in conducting, voice, or just talking about and sharing music whenever he gets free time. I am so thankful for his friendship and all of his help with the programs. The Faculty Voice program continues to meet twice a week. This past week two of the faculty's children started coming, as their parents pick them up from school and then bring them to class. This was awesome. They picked up the notes and rhythms faster than anyone and were such a joy. I love that I am teaching a class with college faculty....and a 10-year old and a 12-year old. Guess who picks everything up the fastest? :) This past week, also, two new faculty members joined the class. Recently we've been learning how to read note names and spelled out words with note flashcards. I told them, "Bonus points if you can spell any Malayalam words!" haha. Faculty Voice is a vibrant and charismatic class and I always look forward to seeing them. They are full of spirit and curiosity.

I continue to try to teach English at the hostel bi-weekly, (in reality, we're able to have it half the time because of various reasons.) We've been interviewing and introducing one another as well as playing some silly games. I usually have to go find girls to come to this class. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth and I wonder if I should still teach, but as long as one girl comes willingly I'll continue to teach. Sometimes I ask a girl if she will be coming to class, she says yes, and then doesn't come, and sometimes one says she can't because she has to study and then she just sits and chats with a friend for an hour right outside the classroom. I try not to take this personally, but I still wish I didn't have to go knock room-to-room every Monday and Wednesday to see if anyone wants to come to class. But that's okay.

The PG Lit. students, who I see just an hour a week, continue to make me laugh as we have discussions on any variety of topics. Every other week I help lead the Ascension Church choir in their preparations for their Passion performance. They'll be doing some movements from Vivaldi's "Gloria" among other songs.

The Choir Director's Program continues strong by God's grace. Though some have dropped out, those present consistently are devoted and interested in learning. This continues to be my biggest "project" during my time here. I teach from 9 am to 12:30 every Saturday morning with about a ten minute break, so it takes some preparation. I still am surprised to find myself teaching this program, but it is my pride and joy. In the first half of the class we learn warm-ups (now the students are leading these themselves) and hone our rhythm-reading and sight-reading abilities. We then listen to recordings of local choirs and critique their performances, discussing what we hear and how we would correct various errors in pronunciation, phrasing, breathing, etc. They're training their ears well and beginning to listen critically. After a tea break, we jump into the main focus of the course: conducting. Thus far, using different hymns and simple pieces, we have theoretically learned and applied (for fellow music nerds):

• legato and marcato patterns in 2/4, 3/4, and 4/4 time
• Right and left hand cues, sustain gestures, and cut-offs
• Preparatory beats and gestures
• Crescendos and decrescendos, and even the melded gesture in conducting (blurring the ictus for longer notes)
• Conducting differently for different dynamics 
• Identifying musical phrases, the peak of each phrase, and how to conduct it appropriately

I have been using my own textbook from my college choral conducting class for some of this theory. We have about 5 or 6 sessions left before the course wraps up. On the whole, I am pleased with the class and with their progress. I am excited at the prospect of the sound of local choirs being changed because of this course, and I continue to feel completely humbled and unqualified to lead it. It's definitely the highlight of my week.

Kottayam Mixed Voices continues to prepare for their upcoming Passion recital, and I have recently been leading them in rehearsal. On Sunday I worked with them for three hours straight and it was fantastic. They were very receptive and made a lot of improvements in just one rehearsal. I really deeply enjoy working with this choir, molding and shaping their sound, seeing the joy and realization in their faces as they discover moments of beauty. I love the smiles on their faces when they make a beautiful sound and recognize it, lingering in it. I love moving my hands and finding immediate change, training them to respond to subtle changes in my direction. It is fluid and worshipful. We strive together for beauty and to glorify Him in our sounds, and we work and mold and paint and shape until we find ourselves in the midst of something breathless.

At the end of rehearsal, the director said something to the group in Malayalam. I later asked Gigi Sir what he had said. He had said what a blessing it is to have me here to work with the group, and how special it was to have someone with such talent. He said that he saw how much progress they had made in just one rehearsal, and something about my being able to achieve so much with them so quickly, something about how specific I am, and how much their sound has improved just during the time I've worked with them. He also said something about wanting to kidnap me and keep me here for five more years! Ha!

I am so blessed, so thankful to have this opportunity, and others, to have the honor of shaping the sounds of the choirs of Kottayam. As I sit typing this I realize how ridiculously lucky I am to have these opportunities, these experiences of a lifetime. I also recognize that the Lord is revealing to me the things I most love to do: to worship, to lead worship, to sing, and to work with choirs. Part of the YAV year is supposed to be about vocational discernment. Many YAVs discover their calling during their year of service, but I think this year hasn't really shown me many new passions of mine as much as it's just confirmed my calling. I feel like God has made it very obvious to me in this time what He made me to do and what passions He placed within my heart.

I'd like to take a moment to thank you for your continued support of my work here and this ministry. Almost every day I can look forward to an encouraging email, letter, or card from one of you. What a blessing you all are to me. Thank you for actively being a part of my time here through your support, prayer, and encouragement. Please know that it means a great deal and that I am so grateful for this steady outpouring of support.

In Him,
Claudia

P.S. Please continue to pray for my sister Joce as she continues her clinical study of her CPAP design in Malawi. She is doing amazing work. If you haven't previously had a chance, check out her blog here: http://bubblecpapinblantyre.tumblr.com/.

Official 2011-2012 Lea Hostel photo. 170 new sisters :) I'm sitting in the center near the Principal.