Assuming & Adapting

We were sitting backstage during the message at the Mixed Voices concert. Jibi took my music, flipped it over, and wrote, "You are one of the most accomodating women I have ever met. Love, Jibi." and handed it back to me.

I feel very undeserving of this praise. This past week, God has been teaching me all about flexibility. And my lack thereof.

Before I came to India, I thought that I was a pretty flexible person, pretty adapting in most situations. I knew that I would encounter situations living abroad where I would need to be flexible. What I did not know was how frequently I would need to be flexible-all the time! Since coming to India, I have felt very deficient in the adapting department.

Living in India inherently means encountering surprises on a daily basis. Each day when I wake up, I know that I will encounter something, or many things, that day that I do not expect. I try to prepare my heart for this and to put my attitude in the right place before I leave my room.

Every Thursday at Baker Memorial School, I see a plaque in the faculty room with a picture of a little boy and girl smelling a flower, and the words, "Order is heaven's first law." I sit and ponder this plaque in the midst of hundreds of children running around and lots of noise. I love order.

To me, so much of life in India is entirely unpredictable. I am very much a highly scheduled and organized person and always have been. I am very much about speed, efficiency, and clarity. My Type A personality continually clashes with my surroundings. One cannot be a perfectionist in India-this I am learning most acutely.
It takes a while to get used to the reality that just because something is scheduled, doesn't mean it's going to happen. If I have a meeting with a certain person at a certain place at a certain time, I can be sure that at least one of those things will be different than I expect. Here in Kerala, there are many strike days that occur without warning. I frequently make plans or develop lessons for classes that will not happen because of a strike day. Sometimes there are two or three in a row, but sometimes one doesn't know until the day of. Also occuring frequently are holidays, which are sometimes known in advance. This past week, Monday was a holiday. However, no one knew if Tuesday would be a holiday or not. I was told that it was a holiday, then I was told that it wasn't. Even at 11 pm at night, still no one knew whether the next day would be a working day or not. Can you imagine that happening in our culture? Everyone had to wait for the newspapers to come out on Tuesday to know whether it was a holiday or not! I called one of the staff at Baker Vidyapith to inquire as to whether I would be teaching there the next day or not. (On Tuesdays, I teach at Baker from 10:30 am to the end of the day.) He said that he would let me know as soon as he found out. He called me at 10:30 am the next morning, when I was already supposed to be at the school, to tell me that it was, in fact, a working day.

On Monday, I discovered that the Faculty Voice Program had been cancelled for the whole month of December. Though I teach this class and had already planned for the next few sessions, I was not informed. Last week at a different session I was supposed to teach, I waited for an hour for the faculty to show up, because sometimes things start an hour late here, only to be informed after one hour that the class was cancelled. However, one woman was travelling from 50 km away to come, and she had just arrived as I learned the class was cancelled. I find here that things are cancelled a lot for reasons which I don't understand or for no apparent reason whatsoever. Just as often as things are unexpectedly cancelled, I am given a surprise obligation or responsibility.

I did not teach any classes last week, though I had planned for many. In the past few days, two different groups, one a sextet, and one a quartet, that I have been working with for the past few months were both cancelled for reasons that I do not understand. Though both groups had spent much time learning the pieces and were ready to perform, neither group will perform. I do not know why.

Power outages have been happening more and more frequently. I have taken to copying and pasting my emails and blogs into word documents a lot as I'm typing them so I stop losing them all the time. All of the different Skype sessions I had scheduled in the past two weeks except for one failed due to internet connectivity issues or loss of power. One night I burned the last of my candles in my room, fighting darkness until I had no option. As the power inverter in my room is no longer working, the electrician was called over two weeks ago to come and fix it. Two weeks ago, I was told he would come tomorrow, and then the day after that, and so on. I am fighting being the in dark, literally and figuratively.

I am continually discovering assumptions that I hold that I am unaware of. (For example, the assumption that on a long train ride, I will have a seat.) What expectations we all hold at all times without awareness!

Another example was the assumption I had that since the college reopened on December 1st, the students would be back for it. But though the college officially reopened from its month-long break on the 1st and new classes began, the students did not return until just yesterday, the 6th. So I assumed that college choir and hostel choir would start about a week earlier than they did. This means that we only have 8 rehearsals with the hostel choir before our performance, which I'm in charge of. Each day, different girls attend the rehearsal. I do not know why they do not all come every day. Sometimes if I run into a girl that's in choir and ask if she's coming to practice later, she responds, "Yes" with a smile and then doesn't show up ten minutes later. I discovered that the girls have forgotten a LOT of what all we worked on back in October, so we're basically starting over. I am concerned about our concert, sad that different girls attend each day which inhibits progress, and sad that we are starting over. Lots of deep breaths, and flexibility.

I do not mean to be spelling these things out in a negative light. I am merely trying to come to terms with my ideas of predictability, efficiency, and organization: why are they so important in my mind after all? Additionally, know that I recognize that my minor problems and surprises are absolutely nothing in the scheme of things and nothing compared to the inconveniences that those around me deal with on a daily basis. I also know that they are nothing compared to the continual flow of blessings and kindness I experience here. This is to serve as a glimpse into cultural differences and what I struggle with day to day. When these surprises just seem to happen one after the other, it can be quite overwhelming. This is something that I have been thinking a lot about and something that is an important lesson for me which I wish to share with you.

So what does all this mean? 

It means that I have to continually fight the negativity that ensues when I encounter the unexpected. It means that I am constantly in battle with myself and my thoughts, striving to perceive things differently. It means that I am given many, many opportunities to continually respond with an attitude of grace, or an attitude of bitterness. Sometimes I fail. I try very hard to be prepared for anything at anytime, but continually run into my own limitations. I frequently feel as though I am a little tiny ship being tossed back and forth in the stormy, chaotic sea that is India.

So what do I do?

Here are my choices: when something unexpected happens, as it will, every day, I can:
1) Choose to be confused, bitter or resentful, and to hold on to whatever was unexpected, or I can
2) Choose to let it go. Choose to respond with an attitude of grace. Choose to let it roll off my back. Swallow, smile, and say, "That's okay. Not a problem." or Take a deep breath, smile, and say, "Yeah, sure I can do that."

I try as hard as I can to let things go and to fight the seeds of bitterness and resentment that form in my own heart. Where do they stem from anyway? Assumptions. Assumptions and expectations that I hold that say that I have to be informed of something so far in advance. The assumption that if my class is cancelled, I, as the teacher, will be informed. But such is not the case. My expectations must be completely remolded. Better yet, I need to just not have any in the first place.

Mostly, I just pour my heart out to God. Sometimes I need a few seconds of desperate prayer before I regain my ground and respond appropriately to the moment's surprise. It comforts me incredibly that though things so frequently feel so unorganized and chaotic to me, that it all makes sense to the Creator. And that He is in control!  What an incredible source of relief! In control of my life, my classes, my duties, my schedule, my failures and shortcomings-over all of this, God reigns!

And so I must be cautious, I must measure my reactions accordingly. I must breathe deeply and relax. I must just let it all go, knowing that all of this is out of my control and that that's okay because He's a much better Organizer than I am anyways. He is the master planner. If I put myself in a place that says that I deserve to know what's going on and I deserve to be informed or I deserve this or that then I am telling myself lies and I am putting myself on His throne. Who am I to think that I must have things as I expect them?

What a lesson this is! What chances I am being given everyday-to choose to reflect the love and grace of Christ in a Christlike manner, or to be resentful! Why would I hold on to the things which make me bitter when I can just let it into God's hands, which is where it is already?

I am so thankful for God's Word and for its restorative power. So thankful that the second my pride gets in the way and I start to feel the roots of bitterness forming, that His word, a double-edged sword, convicts me and comforts me at once. And so I make a conscious choice-a choice to just let this all into His hands. I must! I must, or I will fail here.

God's Word over and over again commands us to not be angry or to be bitter. And so I have to so heavily rely on the Scriptures when I feel overwhelmed by confusion or disorganization. "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold," says Ephesians 4:26-27. God's word goes on to say, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger...Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (verses 31-32).
I have been continually rereading Hebrews 12 as it has been speaking to me on so many different levels on this issue. May God's word dwell within me and grant me great grace and flexibility! "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles , and let us RUN with perseverance the race marked out before us." (The verb "throwing off" implies that it takes a conscious effort and requires strength, that the weight of sin is heavy! It does not say, "brush off the sin" but "throw off!" When I encounter the unexpected, may I heartily throw it off of myself instead of letting its weight inhibit me!) It goes on to say, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." What awesome verses! How easy it's been for me to grow weary of surprises, to lose heart-may I fix my eyes on Jesus so much more quickly! I know that this is a great lesson for me to learn, for it is discipline-a disciplining of my mind, heart, and spirit. Verses and 9 and following: "Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees." My feeble arms and weak knees are being strengthened, Lord willing, by this lesson. May I be trained by it!

And another very key and convicting couple of verses, 14 and 15: "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." ("Make effort," again, a conscious and physical action, a choice.) And verse 15, "See to it (as in, take the initiative, make the effort, take the pains) that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." 
As I go throughout my day, I must continually think of this verse to have a Christlike response to all I encounter. See to it that no one misses the grace of God... I might come from a class that was unexpectedly cancelled that I spent hours preparing for the night before, and be feeling grumpy, and immediately encounter someone with whom I can have a friendly conversation. Though I feel inclined not to, I must talk to that person. Every missed smile, every missed opportunity to share a kind word is a missed chance to share God's grace! If I've just had a really hard day and I feel like crying, and someone comes to my door and needs to talk when I feel I have nothing to give, I can choose to set aside whatever is tying my heart down. I can take a second, pray, and listen with an open heart to them. See to it that no one misses the grace of God.

What a radically different view our life takes when we realize that our life is not, in fact, about us. How easy it is to forget that, to slip into our own desires for comfort of predictability.

At the end of the day, I remind myself that this year is about relationships. It is about sharing the love of Jesus Christ. So maybe a quartet or two was cancelled? So maybe I wasn't given some key information? So maybe I'm wronged or left out of the loop? Who cares!? What is any of this in the scheme of things? This life, this year, is about relationships. And what incredible relationships I'm getting to experience in India!

This year is not about the things I do or don't do. It's not about my accomplishments. It's not about how I "change India," or how I make anything more organized or more efficient, or better, or different. It's not about how many classes I teach and how much we cover. It's not about solos or recognition. It's about the smile the girl and I exchange on the stairs. It's about eating rice with my hands and making silly faces with the other girls at the table as we sit in silence. It's about learning kindness from Gigi Sir and from so many others. It's about realizing my words have power and being careful with them. It's about love, and friendship, and especially: grace.

Lord, I submit to You all that is out of my control. Rid me of my expectations, my pride, the parts of me that say "I deserve..." For I deserve nothing! I am a volunteer. I am here to serve. Lord, how easy it is for me to fail to show grace to others when something unexpected occurs. Help me to imitate your attitude and help me to make sure my conversation is always overflowing with grace, seasoned with salt. Rid my heart of any roots of bitterness or resentment. Help me to be adapting and flexible, to live full of Your grace and mercy. Help me to make the right choices in my actions and words, seeing to it that no one misses Your grace when I have the chance to share it. Amen.