Running After You

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Moments of Laughter and Kindness

My dear friends-

I've been keeping some lists that I thought I would share with you. Please enjoy these funny moments, odd tidbits, and stories of great kindnesses, and forgive their disjunct nature.

Moments of Laughter

1) Every night at 7:50 pm, I go with all of the girls in the hostel to prayer time. A few Malayalam hymns are sung and a Scripture passage read, then the girls can remain for silent prayer as long as they desire. Each Wednesday night, they sing an English hymn. Usually I'm in charge of leading these, but this particular night, I had forgotten that it was Wednesday. The number for the prayer was called out, and Shalu, my dear friend and companion, pointed towards hymn number 17 and nudged me, saying, "Sing! Sing!" because I had forgotten that I usually start. I started singing, but no one joined in. After two lines, I just kind of awkwardly faded out into silence because no one was joining me! There was a hilarious moment of completely tangible awkward silence before the girls started singing hymn number seventy, not seventeen. Shalu had accidentally heard the wrong number. She and I sat, shaking silently with laughter, for the rest of prayer time, and once we were out of the prayer hall all the girls burst out laughing. It was hilarious.

2) As previously mentioned, I always share with a new class pictures of my family. I find it interesting that when I mention, "stepmother," most kids look confused, and I have to take the time to explain what a stepmother is. Interesting.

3) I had a hilarious moment the other day when a girl I know came out from a classroom having just finished an exam on Macbeth. I quickly urged her not to speak the word, which surprised her, and then proceeded to try to explain why we don't say the word 'Macbeth.' In the midst of trying to explain to her with minimal English understanding and broken Malayalam, I realized that I didn't actually know why we refer to it as "The Scottish Play" instead of by the title. It was a very confusing conversation.

4) I find myself continually making puns that no one understands. I miss being able to play with words and make witty comments that others can understand! :) For example, the other week when I was teaching at Baker Girls' School, I was showing them on a globe where I'm from. It was an old, rusty globe, and at that moment happened to just completely break and fall apart in my hands. I melodramatically shouted, "My world is falling apart!" and looked out into a sea of noncomprehending faces wondering why I was freaking out so much about a broken globe. Haha.

5) Interestingly, I recently was asked to be interviewed for The Times newspaper, as one of the women in the Faculty Voice Class has a brother who writes for them. We had arranged a time to meet when I was wisely told that interviewing would not be a good idea, as the reason for my being here according to my visa and my actual work here are entirely two different things. I forgot about this. Technically, for those of you that don't know, I am a student at CMS College in the one-year "Community Development Internship," which is how the YAVs are able to come into the country. It was a good thing I was not interviewed about my activities, because I would have talked all about my teaching and volunteering at local schools, and if this information were published in the newspaper, it could have led to some trouble. What a close shave! I'm glad that I am no longer in danger of potentially getting myself arrested. :)

6) While at a home stay recently, I had a shocking moment: It was about two am, and I was having trouble sleeping. Right on the other side of the wall was the mother of the person who's house I was staying at, and she talks in her sleep. She also sings and argues in Malayalam in her sleep. It took me a very long time to realize that she was sleeptalking. I was already feeling a little freaked out by this, and so I got up to use the restroom. But the door I opened did not lead to the restroom, it led to the servant's quarters! I had no idea that there was a servant in the house, and as I opened the door I was completely surprised to find another person sleeping there, a person I hadn't met! This is an element of the homes here that I have not yet touched upon-many of the homes here have a servant or a helper who lives with the family. Sometimes you know they're there and meet them, and sometimes you stumble upon them at 2 am and wake them up. Whoops.

7) A couple weeks ago, two teachers from the English department took me into town because I'd mentioned that I'd like to buy some games for girls at the hostel. The reason for this was that my parents had mailed me a deck of UNO cards a few weeks back. These UNO cards are being played CONSTANTLY. I can't believe how much amusement is being derived from this deck of cards that now look like they're years old! I went out and bought two more decks, and also a badminton set, a frisbee, Scrabble, Life, and Checkers. It has been an incredible joy to introduce these games to the girls and I am continually refreshed and amazed at how much joy they derive from them! Especially interesting has been the Life game, which is based on the American life. It is interesting to note their reactions to the elements of this board game, such as careers, salaries, marriage, etc., and has served as a great teaching tool.

8) The concept of raising your hand to be called on is an entirely new concept to students here. (They're used to responding in unison.) I spent much of my last time at Baker trying to teach the students how this works, with some rather humorous results, (i.e. not realizing that a response is expected once one has raised their hand :).

9) Many elements of musical understanding that I take for granted in the U.S., such as being able to clap or move to a beat, are sometimes not present here, which is interesting and funny to discover.

10) I never ceased to be amazed at all the new elements of communication and cultural idiosyncrasies that I encounter. For example, tonight at dinner one of the girls was choking slightly, and instead of someone patting her on the back as we would do at home, the girl across from her gave her a sharp rap on the top of her head! And there are countless phrases that amuse me. For example, "What's your program?" means, "What are you doing right now?" and "Shall we move?" is not an invitation to dance, but means "Should we get going?" I find myself using these phrases frequently. Also, when I talk with the girls at the hostel, they always ask, "May I go?" at what might be the end of the conversation before moving away from me, even in the smallest interaction. It's like asking, "Are we done talking?" I also am amused by the blunt (to me) way conversations seem to end. I feel very frequently here that when I'm on the phone with someone or talking with them, they say, "Ok, goodbye" the second they're done and just hang up or walk away! There's no real indication that the conversation is gradually coming to a close, or even a chance to hear the other person say goodbye. And of course this rambling would not be complete without a mention of the quintessential Indian head bob, which I think I've finally gotten used to. In the U.S. when we mean, "No" we shake our heads from side to side, and nod up and down to mean, "Yes." Here, shaking your head in a kind of wobble back and forth means anything from "yes" to "ok" or "I understand" and many other things I don't know yet. It is very different to be teaching students and to ask if they understand to see them shake their heads in response-I have to constantly remind myself that they are saying "yes" and not "no." Sometimes the way someone bobs their head looks just like our "No." This takes getting used to. (Imagine telling someone your name and where you're from with them all the while shaking their head from side to side in what looks to you like a clear "No" as though they're disagreeing with you.) Fascinating.

11) A while back I had expressed interest in teaching some conversational English to the History students of the college. One day, I was asked if I wanted to go teach them right then and there! I felt fully confident until I walked into the classroom and realized that there were about 6 girls and 35 college boys. I quickly realized that all of my silly songs and activities I do with the Baker School girls or my tiny Home Science group were not going to work. Three cheers for major improvisation!

12) During my first Thursday at Baker School, I went to teach my first class when I noticed that it was going abnormally long. I was given a schedule of the class times. I found out after teaching two periods together that the school follows an entirely different schedule on Thursdays. Surprise! :)

13) I am astonished by how much of my college education I'm using here. I wrack my brain trying to remember all that I learned in my choral education classes so that I can teach these concepts here. I've used every song I can remember from student teaching. Who would've thought that everything I learned in college I would now be trying to teach to others in a place as far away as Kerala? It's amazing-such a blessing to have such a direct use of my skills and background.

14) I recently visited Jecko and Ann's house. (Jecko, a CMS English professor, along with his wife and son, Steve, accompanied us back at the beginning of the month on our boat ride, if you remember their pictures). While playing badminton with Steve, I learned that he loves "The Sound of Music," and so we played badminton while singing songs from the movie together for at least a half hour, also with him quoting the dialogue in between the songs! It was amazing! I had to be back at the hostel shortly afterwards, and so Steve walked me back. I was only two minutes late, but the gate was locked. I was let in by the watchman, but the girls were probably wondering why I was showing up three minutes late, out of breath, with a thirteen-year-old boy, singing Edelweiss. :)

Moments of Kindness (too many to count)

1) About a week ago, I mentioned to Gigi Sir that I would at some point like to think about getting a mirror to put in the office for when I teach voice lessons. He returned a couple of hours later from being in town, with a perfect mirror that he affixed to the wall, just because I'd mentioned it. Gigi Sir's kindness and thoughtfulness knows no bounds.

2) I locked myself out of my room recently, and Gigi Sir was so kind to take time out of his Saturday to come all the way from his house to give me the extra key. What would I do without him?

3) Recently, a friend from Mixed Voices, Jibi, came to the hostel to have me work on a Finale file. She came with two full bags of continental food-sandwiches, french fries, and garlic bread! She would not let me thank her or pay her back. Jibi has shown me kindness like this on countless occasions, and I am so grateful for her.

4) Sumita is a very special girl at the hostel with a beaming smile that shines her love of Christ. I walked past her one evening in the hostel, where I saw her doodling, "Jesus is My Best Friend" at the top of all her papers, and smiling to herself. My heart burst-what a precious child of God! I sat down next to her and told her that we have the same best friend! She told me about her love of Jesus and about how she wants to work as a missionary in Andhra Pradesh. She gave me a bookmark from the mission agency that she wants to work with, and wrote me a sweet note on the bookmark. I will treasure this always, and think of her brilliant smile and the way she radiates God's love. I strive to be more like Sumita.

5) When the girls celebrate a birthday, they bring in cake and candy to share with everyone. Instead of receiving presents, they give them, and always knock on my door to bring me a treat. What would we be like if we gave of ourselves more instead of expecting to receive, on our birthday? Or every day?

6) Last week my clothes were on the line hanging to dry when it started to rain. When I came out to get them, one of the girls had already taken all of my clothes and hung them up in her room so that they wouldn't get wet. I was really touched.

7) Recently at a hostel English class, a girl stopped by to see what was going on but said that she couldn't stay for class. However, she joined the class anyhow. After class, she very formally thanked me, pronounced the class "awesome and exciting," shook my hand, and told me that she liked me. I told her that I had greatly appreciated her being there and that I liked her, too. :) Haha! I so appreciated that she took the time to tell me that she appreciated me and that she enjoyed learning from me. What a blessing-such open communication!

8) When caught in a downpour last week, an Achen I know insisted on loaning me his umbrella. He said he had another with him, but I didn't see one.

9) Bugs, lizards, mice, oh my! In my room I am becoming acquainted with a whole variety of new friends:three-inch cockroaches, huge mosquitoes, snails, geckos, lots of millipedes, and even a mouse! Hilariously, once I realized I had a mouse in my room, I told the warden, and about fifteen minutes later received a call from the Principal of the College himself apologizing for the mouse and insisting that he send carpenters the very next day to install nets over my windows. And he did, and they came the next day to do so! I couldn't get over this. About a week later the Principal also called me to ask, "Would you like a refrigerator?" to which I responded, "No, thank you" and promptly found a fridge installed in my room the next day.

10) Sometimes after I dismiss the hostel choir, they linger to chat with me. Recently, they gathered around me asking questions, and I shared with them about what it's like to come to India, and what's hard sometimes. One of them later found me and told me that she has a great respect for me and she never thought about how hard it would be to go so afar away and be from her family. She told me that she had liked me since I came to the hostel, but she hadn't thought until tonight about 'what a brave thing it is for you to come so far away to be with us.' I was choked up. These girls are precious children of God. They are so innocent, and so honest.

I am surrounded by kindnesses, blatant and subtle, if I will but open my eyes to see them. So, too, I think, are you. Are we just seeing, or are we understanding? If I look around me, especially with an open heart and not just open eyes, I see God's hand in these manifold kindnesses between people. May I be a passer-on of these kindnesses, andmay I not stop or hinder the flow. May I give back more than I receive (and I'm certainly receiving a lot.) As I stumble my way around this foreign land, many hands reach out to assist me. To keep me from a fall, from a blunder, to hand me a gift, to pass on a kind word. Many hands and many hearts. Doors and hearts opened to me, may I open mine as well. It's funny how I think that I came to serve...when in truth I am really being taught how to serve.

When we become aware that our stuttering, failing, vulnerable selves are loved even when we hardly progress, we can let go of our compulsion to prove ourselves and be free to live with others in a fellowship of the weak. That is true healing.

- Henri J.M. Nouwen

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Ordinary and the Extraordinary

Dear friends-

It’s been a few days since I wrote the last blog post, even though I just posted it. I wanted to let you know that I am feeling much more stable anxiety-wise and have been sleeping much better. Thank you for your prayers and please continue to pray!

I’m getting to be on more of a schedule now. Let me detail for you what my schedule is beginning to look like.

On Sundays, I spent most of the day in church and in choir rehearsal at CSI Ascension Church and at the college chapel for Kottayam Mixed Voices practice. I usually assist with leading and doing vocal training and warm-ups at Ascension practice and get to do warm-ups with Mixed Voices. We’re singing Christmas music! Lots and lots of it. It is pretty odd to be singing “Silent Night” when it’s 85 degrees outside, admittedly.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I teach conversational English to the girls at the hostel for one hour in the evenings. We have a pretty fun time, and have worked on introducing ourselves, talking about our family, sharing about our hobbies…We had a great discussion about college life at CMS and the differences between college life in the States and in India. Initially these were really well attended; now the girls have exams going on again and so very few have been present.

On Tuesday and Thursday evenings for one hour, I lead choir at the hostel. We have had anywhere from 24 to 7 girls attend. We’re working on some Christmas carols-just unison, no parts (yet). Mostly we work on voice training and pronunciation. I’m debating whether or not to teach them some lesser known carols (the ones I really like) such as Sing We Now of Christmas or Fum, Fum, Fum.

Tuesday and Thursday mornings for one hour is the faculty voice training program. I really enjoy teaching this group, as they are charismatic and try everything I tell them to try vocally instead of always giggling like many students do. Our hour is divided between three components: vocal training, music fundamentals (right now we’re working on Kodaly rhythms-I can’t believe how useful everything from student teaching has been here), and then sight reading. Today we learned the solfege syllables do through mi.

On Wednesdays for a half hour I teach conversational English to a group of Home Science majors in their department. I wish I had more time with them, but as all the students are in class from 10 am to 1 pm, and 2-4 pm, the only time I can have classes with them or the faculty is from 9-10 am and for a brief half hour at lunchtime. And the college choir meets every day from 1:30-2 and from 4-5, but we didn’t meet last week or this week and won’t meet again until December.

My flyer in the hostel

On Thursdays, I travel to Baker Girls School where I teach conversational English and music all day. The music class I really enjoy-they have been very responsive to Kodaly rhythms, which also transcends the language barrier. That’s the awesome thing about teaching music-it’s universal. The English classes have been going relatively well, though the very large class size makes any kind of movement or games pretty hard to do, which is a shame because I have a lot of great games I would love to do with them but can’t with 40-50 girls.

Fridays and Saturdays are kind of my free days as of now; Ascension choir rehearsal is on Saturdays as well but I’ve chosen only to participate because of trying to take care of my voice. I feel like I definitely strained my voice somehow a couple of weeks ago; it hasn’t felt normal since. I’m taking as much vocal rest as I can, but please be praying for my vocal restoration. Thanks for your prayers for this specifically.

I am excited to share with you an awesome blessing that has surfaced- I am teaching a private voice student. Her name is Jemima. She is only 15 years old and is INCREDIBLY talented. I sought her out asking if she wanted to study with me. She has voice lessons once a month, but has to travel far away, so this is such an awesome blessing to be able to work with her here in Kottayam. She has a very mature voice for a 15-year old. Though her English is limited, teaching voice works pretty well with her with lots of gestures and modeling. We’ve been working on Bach’s Bist du bei mir, a favorite of mine, and so we're working a lot on our German pronunciation. It's funny to be using little Malayalam phrases I know to work on a German piece! I get chills when she sings this piece; she sings it better than half of the vocal majors I went to college with. Her musical intuition is incredible and her voice lovely. It is a pure joy to work with her and I really look forward to it each week. We meet in Gigi Sir’s office, and he’s been so kind as so bring a keyboard in for our use. This is a huge praise!

Aside from scheduled programs, I was last week invited to two different schools to help out with some music training. I think there are one or two more schools where I will start to regularly teach, but I’m taking some time before I get involved with them to rest my voice and to just wait until I’m more settled in before taking on the challenge.

In the evenings, I exercise before I have to be in, then at 6 all are inside the compound. Evenings I usually feel like I have sufficient activity with English or choir, hostel prayer, dinner, and fun time afterwards. The girls have about a half hour free after dinner before they have to go back to studying-during this time I like to hang out with them, play guitar, or UNO. Some of them really enjoying learning worship songs, which is awesome. Afterwards I spend my evenings planning for my classes, reading, and hanging out with Ann, Rinsy, and Sheny. I have a Malayalam lesson on occasion, too.

I am now comfortable going out into town by myself-yesterday I went to the grocery and the tailors by myself. I prefer to go with some of the girls, but they are very busy right now with studying.

Thursday held something new: my first ever cricket match! It was the championship game between the colleges of Mahatma Gandhi University, and CMS won! This was also the first time I'd seen the college united at a sporting event-there were many students and faculty there, all cheering on CMS. Although I had no idea what was going on in the match, I heartily enjoyed being at this important event and look forward to learning more about cricket.

Students watching the match

Friends Finsy and Divya and others from the hostel

The loudest I've ever heard these girls! Also, this shouting and cheering was right before choir practice!

CMS won!!! The victory swarm

With Divya and Finsy and Finsy's friend

The victorious team with their trophy

A beautiful scene

On Friday I went with Prathibha, a friend from Ascension Choir, to her family’s clothing store nearby in Kanjikuzhy. She helped me choose two new churidars and two new kurti (tunics). It’s pretty exciting to have some new clothing and it was really fun to be able to go shopping with a friend. Most of the time here I don’t wear a formal churidar; most frequently I wear different leggings with different kurti tops.

After shopping, she took me to her family’s photography studio next door and we decided to do a random photo shoot, which was pretty amusing. Here I am with Prathibha:

This past weekend was adventure-filled. From Friday to Monday I was in the town called Panthanamthitta about an hour and a half away leading a choir retreat at the college chaplain’s church. His name is Roy Sir. I stayed at his house with his family for three nights and experienced their loving hospitality. Sunday was his daughter’s birthday and there was a birthday dinner for her.

On Saturday before the choir retreat began I went with Roy Sir and his wife to an elephant place in Kunni, where I got to ride an elephant! I was so excited-it was about a five-minute ride on a big elephant! I was surprised how comfortable it was to ride her-she was kind of squishy! Afterwards, I got to feed her bananas one by one. It was such a fun experience. Interestingly, every Indian I've asked has not ridden an elephant, and Roy Sir had his first ride that day as well. I thought that many Indians have had this opportunity but they haven't, so this further made me appreciate this special experience. Hope you enjoy these photos:

"How do I get on?"

The ride!

So exciting!

This was when I was feeding the elephant and I got "slimed": the elephant's trunk got mud all over my arm! Sitting on the elephant is Roy Sir, the college chaplain.

Feeding her bananas one by one!

After visiting the elephant place, the choir retreat began. It was held for members of three different churches: All Saints CSI Church of Pathanamthitta, St. Paul's Church, Nallanikunnu, where the retreat was held, and St.Thomas CSI Church, Chenneerkara. We met on Saturday afternoon as well as Sunday afternoon, and spent the weekend working on vocal training, learning warm-ups, and learning some basic music fundamentals. I had them learn the carol, "In the Bleak Midwinter" and they made admirable progress after two days. Many of them had not sung in English before and none of them read music. I was really proud of all that they learned. There were about 40 choir members present for the weekend. Some of them were very very young! It was interesting to note how the children stuck around for all the activities and tried everything that their parents did-even though my exercises and instruction were not at all age-appropriate for them. I couldn't believe that they stuck with me for the 3-hour sessions-trying all the exercises about breathing and tone production! That's a big difference I've noticed: kids in the U.S. would have been running around five minutes into it, doing their own thing, and I expected these kids to go off and do something else, but they didn't! They stayed and learned all the exercises; I felt bad that I didn't have more age-appropriate material for them. On Sunday morning before church I was asked to come and teach a song to the Sunday school class, so I taught them "I Love You, Lord." On the way home from church, I got to ride with Roy Sir on his motorcycle!

Roy Sir's bike

Our attempt at taking a picture of just me riding: please note the stand underneath :)

Teaching the men "In the Bleak Midwinter"

Teaching Kodaly rhythms-these are super handy to use here!

The Kodaly system uses easy rhythm symbols which can then be transferred to actual music reading

The whole group

I recorded them singing "In the Bleak Midwinter" and hope you enjoy the video. It was truly a blessing to come and to work with these people, and I was humbled by all of their kindness towards me. I was surprised at what a bond I felt with them after just two days. Working on music with people is really a very personal thing. I had to earn their trust in trying many new vocal exercises and they had to make themselves and their voice vulnerable to me. I think we were able to establish that trust and learned to make music together, which is really a very beautiful and precious thing.

Once the retreat was over, a lot of the little kids rushed up to me, asking me for my autograph! I was very surprised and it kind of hit me that this had been maybe an important event for them. After all, most of them have never met an American. Many of the choir directors here do not read music. Most, or all of these people will never get the opportunity to work with a trained musician again, or have another choir retreat. This was, after all, a small village church. Roy Sir later told me that it was a very big deal to have someone come from so far away to see them, as he thanked me with tears in his eyes. I will never forget that.

It's amazing how God can take the small things and really use them to make an impact. After all, I feel like I'm doing a lot of everyday, ordinary things. I'm visiting people, smiling at them, eating with them, singing for them, teaching them a little song or two....it doesn't feel like much to me. It is nothing special in and of itself. All I did was teach warm-ups and some new ideas and one song to these people, but it seemed to have really meant a lot to them.
God is making the ordinary extraordinary. Even though being here is difficult and challenging, I must never forget what a privilege it is. It is a great privilege to live here, to live among these people and new friends. To do the small things-to eat with them, to smile at them, to greet them.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing anything special or extraordinary, and I'm not. I've come here to live in a different culture, and they have invited me into their lives and hearts. It is an honor and a privilege. Mostly, this year is not about me. This year is about learning, about being humbled, about dying to self. It's about doing the ordinary in a new place, and coming to a deeper understanding of the transformative power of the cross to make all things new. It's about getting my feet dirty and struggling with serious doubts. It's about serving. It's not about me. I trust and pray that God would continue to provide opportunities like this weekend choir retreat, opportunities to share little bits of my knowledge and to see how God uses them.

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I will reap I will sow."
-from Hillsong's 'Desert Song'

Seeking and Pursuing Peace: The World of Culture Shock

(Note: I just added two videos and some pictures to last week's post, so please check them out below!)

We musn't wait until we're perfectly well ourselves to give of ourselves to others. If we do, we'll just keep waiting and waiting, having never given. We must give out of our broken selves. We must hand to Him our shattered pieces, and trusting with all our hearts that somehow, somehow, He will use them and make something beautiful out of them. (-from a recent journal entry)

Dear friends-

It's been a challenging week and a half, to be honest with you. I've been delaying posting because I've been struggling, and I felt like I should only post happy things to cheer you all. But I realize that you are my support system and I need to let you know what exactly is going on with me. I've been struggling with strong bouts of anxiety and sleeplessness and it has been HARD. I've had to rely solely on God's strength to get through the days sometimes and my emotions have just been all over the place. Thanks to your prayers and God's grace, I think I'm moving out of this to a more stable ground. I have to remind myself constantly of your prayers and support, and also of the truth of my being here, to stay focused on what's actually happening, as opposed to what I'm feeling. In fact, I've started a huge list of the facts-what is true about how I got here, who I am in Christ, and the many blessings that I am encountering, and I read this whenever my emotions threaten to overpower me.

I can't tell you how much I've appreciated your prayers, emails, and notes of encouragement. They have meant more than you can imagine.

In reading back through my journal entries recently, I was struck by how many new circumstances I encounter every day and how many stressors exist here in my new life. I have been really hard on myself for experiencing the anxiety that I have been, but realistically, many factors are at play. It has taken me over seven weeks here to develop a normal sleeping pattern without the assistance of medication, which I think I'm finally beginning to enter. Confronting my anxiety and sleep issues has been challenging enough in and of itself in the United States, but add on to that the true and literal shock of finding oneself on the other side of the world, and you have what I've been experiencing. I have been struggling to show myself grace! I have to be honest with myself and say that this is definitely more difficult than I thought it would be. And that is okay! And I am struggling with anxiety, and that is also okay! I am becoming acutely aware of my weaknesses and relying on His strength more than I ever have. I talk to Him throughout the day- I have to, to get through the day sometimes. He is there with me when I wake up to the continual blaring of car horns and a heavy heart, delaying getting up to face the looming giant that is India. He strengthens my soul and gives me the courage I need to face the day, the endurance for each new hour as it comes. I am just desperate for His strength and His touch.

Last Monday was one of the most difficult days I've experienced. I had a completely sleepless night and was exhausted. I was to speak in chapel that day, and I did. I shared from Matthew 25:34-36. “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

I shared about how helpless I've been since I arrived in India to do even the simplest things, and how I had to rely on the kindness of others in order to do the smallest and most menial and essential of tasks. I had to learn how to eat again, this time with my hands. I had to relearn when and what to eat. I had to be shown what was safe to drink and what wasn't. I had to learn to bathe and use the bathroom in entirely different ways. I had to be taken to get clothing and be taught how to clothe myself. It's been like being an infant again, being not just spiritually sustained by others, but physically sustained. And it is hard to be so helpless, to feel so helpless. It is incredibly humbling to be taught all of this. And it's a beautiful place to be. It's where God wants me to be.

Here are a couple examples recently of some "culture shock" moments, when I realized, "Wow, I am in a foreign culture!"

1) I traveled to Chertala again last Monday to work with the kids on the music for the Western music competition. Once I arrived, I learned that the kids had changed two of the songs we'd worked on. They again had no music and we could not get music for them. We did what we could. Once we finally did get music, we had it in two different keys and both keys had errors in them. There was chaos and total lack of organization. It was noisy and very hot and my voice was hurting. The kids just kept disappearing, I'm not sure why. I could hardly walk anywhere for being surrounded by so many children and their staring. The power kept going off. I didn't know where to start with corrections in the music. I didn't understand why these kids were even participating in the competition, or why they were so unprepared. Somehow about 40 little kids where brought into the room where we were working and their teacher left. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to teach them or not, and if I was, I was already teaching the other kids. I was running on zero hours of sleep. I had a class to teach once I got back. At one point in the day, I had to just go the bathroom and escape for a little while. It was a hard, hard day. But God gave me the strength to get through the afternoon. I talked to God the entire day, because I had no strength of my own. And He gave me everything I needed. He is always faithful.

2) A couple days later, I travelled to another school to help them prepare for the same competition. This time they were much better prepared, but they were singing devotional songs, which I thought they weren't allowed to do-that was the whole issue in Chertala. I let it go. In the room where they were rehearsing, there were about 300 students. Instead of having class, they were there to watch the music group rehearse all day. But it was so very loud that the music group couldn't hear one another. I was introduced to the 300 kids, and told to commence rehearsing the group. But I couldn't hear anything, and I had to weigh whether it would be appropriate or not for me to ask to take them to another space to rehearse. After weighing it, I did ask, and took the group to another room where we could hear one another. I felt bad because all of the kids upstairs were supposed to be watching, but there was too much noise.

3) A few nights ago, I was playing UNO with Ann, Rinsy, and Sheny in their room. I heard a tiny meow at the door, and I ran to find this darling tiny cat. I was so excited that it let me pet it! It was purring and rubbing up against me like crazy! It was so sweet! I have to clarify that there are cats everywhere here and that the whole time I've been in India I try to beckon them to me, but they always run away. So I was overjoyed that I finally got to pet one, and I was so enjoying it. I realized that all the girls in the hostel were staring at me. I asked if any of them wanted to come pet it, and they didn't move. They were all watching me as this cat climbed all over me. I didn't understand why the girls didn't want to pet it. They insisted that I stop petting it, and I had to put it down as they tried to get it to leave the hostel. It was hard. I was confused. I missed my own cat so much. I didn't understand why we had to scare away this tiny mewling cat instead of loving it. It was a stray cat, and people here never touch stray cats. They were very afraid of it carrying diseases. I understand this now, but at the time I just felt so confused and hurt that I couldn't pet this cat. It seems silly, but I went to my room crying afterwards.

So, what is difficult, you ask? What is culture shock? What is hard about being in India?

There's so much to it. I have been becoming more acutely aware of what I'm experiencing, and labeling it as normal! I am not experiencing anything that anyone moving to a new culture would not experience. The facts are that I moved halfway around the world. Let me try to detail some of the areas of difference:

1) The basics. How I take care of myself is entirely different. As mentioned above, things like eating and bathing and using the bathroom are completely different. My clothing is entirely different. Everything I'm eating is different and a lot of it is very spicy. (I have definitely lost weight since I've been here-I can't see it, but others have told me, and I can tell because my clothes fit differently.) Crossing the street is very difficult. in fact, I have had to lean up against a wall twice to avoid getting hit by a bus. (Ironically, one of them was a tourist bus filled with the first white people I'd seen in weeks.) Just existing is different. The sights, smells, tastes and sounds are all entirely new-like nothing I've experienced before. And they are constant. It's like just one neverending overstimulating experience sometimes. And it's easy sometimes and very difficult at other times.

2) Language barrier. I am continually surrounded by people speaking a language I can't understand. I have wonderful Malayalam tutors who are helping me, but I only know a few words. To clarify, when people are talking to me they speak English much of the time, but unless they are directly addressing me they are always speaking Malayalam. (Their levels of English-speaking vary widely from just knowing how to say hello to being able to be fluent with me, as my tutors and supervisors are.) It can be very stressful to not understand what is being said around you all or most of the time.

And the language barrier is two-fold: there is the actual comprehension of the language, and then there is the comprehension of what is being said. Two people can both be speaking English but not understanding one another at all, as is sometimes the case here. I have to listen with open ears and an open heart. I have to be grace-filled in conversation where I don't understand the questions I'm being asked. I have to not feel bitter or discouraged by not being understood or not understanding. I am incredibly blessed to have so many people that can understand English at CMS-this is an absolute luxury. I look forward to being able to speak more Malayalam so I have more of a sense of what is going on around me more of the time.

3) Things not making sense. Much of the time, I witness or find myself in situations that simply do not make sense to me, nor will they make sense to me. I see posters with pictures that are disturbing or don't make sense. I see signs everywhere with odd phrases and misspelled English. I see people with things painted on their faces which I don't understand. I see people with maladies and illnesses that I've never seen before when walking through the streets. I see the clash of destitution right next to extreme wealth. Everything seems out of place, like in a dream, sometimes. I just see things constantly that I can't make head or tail of. For example, the other day I saw a cat with makeup on its face and it shocked me. India never ceases to surprise, all the day long sometimes.

4) Feeling alone. I knew I would be a minority here; what I did not know is that I would be the only non-Indian around. This means that everywhere I go, I am constantly stared at. Most days I don't mind it, but some days I just really wish I could hide. Recently, I was at a school and was trying to watch a band rehearsal that was going on. I could not make it over to where the band rehearsal was happening because I was instantly surrounded by little girls who gathered just to stand in front of me and look at me. I tried to talk with them as much as I could and get to know some of their names. I never did make it over to the band rehearsal.

I think also that it's very different to experience living in a new culture alone as opposed to with a team. In past mission experiences, I have only ever served alongside a team. They were there to laugh with me and process everything happening right alongside of me. They found things strange and funny along with me. Here, though I have teammates, we are living and working at separate sites. I feel like if I had someone to share my experiences with, it would be a lot easier sometimes. I have to absorb much that doesn't make sense to me and don't have anyone to immediately share it all with-someone to act as a sounding board, someone to share the shock, someone to mirror my facial expressions. All that is strange and new to me is strange and new to me alone. I can't turn to the person next to me and laugh or comment about it. Were there someone with me, I think some of the shock absorption would be alleviated, and things would be funny instead of stressful. But since I'm not with anyone, I have to just keep absorbing the new. I try really hard to talk to God about everything I encounter. He must be my companion.

5) Not understanding why things are the way they are. From the little to the immense, things are different, and I don't know why they are as they are. I don't know why the dogs in the building next to me all howl together at the same time every single night for no apparent reason, and neither does anyone else seem to know. I don't know why we must be silent when we eat dinner at the hostel every night. I don't understand why when I'm at a school teaching, the teachers do not know what time the classes end or finish. I don't know why sometimes I'm woken up in the middle of the night by construction work happening at one or two in the morning in the pitch black! I don't know why sometimes 24 girls come to choir, and the next day why 3 do. I don't understand why there are so many strike days. I don't understand why a couple of times teachers have left a bunch of students with me while I'm already teaching another class, with no explanation, and I'm not sure what to do with them. So much is unknown to me, and I don't have the means of finding out answers.

And I have to just let these things go. Constantly. See something I don't understand, let it go. It has to be okay for things to just not line up, for the numbers not to add up. And that's okay, because this all makes sense to God! It makes sense to the one who created it all. It doesn't need to make sense to me. He understands it all. He has placed everything where it needs to be. In my times of confusion, I cry out to Him, saying, God, this makes absolutely no sense to me, but it makes sense to You! And that's enough for me. You understand all of this. Give me the grace to just let things go, and to trust in Your knowledge.

So there are many factors at play. I am, after all, halfway around the world!I wrote recently,"I'm surprised by how many new things I encounter in one day if I stop and think about it. I think just about today. I am living a totally different way, surrounded by a foreign language. Add to that the continual power and water outages of today, food that was hard to eat, disorganization and confusion, being asked questions by a stranger that didn't make sense to me, trying not to get sick in a vehicle, a broken copy machine... No wonder I'm having anxiety. I need to give myself more grace. This is my new normal. This is my new home. At the end of the day, God wins. Today I feel like India won out over me. In fact, I was knocked to the ground by India. But guess what: God wins out over India!"

What this all comes down to is this: I must actively seek and pursue peace. If I hold on to the things happening to me and do not share them, I can become bitter or resentful. I must share my feelings and experiences. I must continually evaluate and be aware of my responses to the new. When something new happens, I must pause before reacting. I must pray, I must consider my thoughts and emotions, and modify my response. I must be careful and prayerful. I can choose to be offended, or I can choose not to be. I can harbor my emotions, or I can pour them out. Peace is there for me, should I choose to accept it. I must seek out and pursue God's peace all around me, every step of the way.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

A Week of Firsts

Dear friends-

What an exciting week it's been! I was very busy each day this week, which was wonderful. I am excited to share with you some of the terrific experiences I've had, from the awesome to the confusing to the frustrating.

On Monday I began the day by singing, "How Great Thou Art" at the college chapel service. Later in the day, I taught my first communicative English class at the hostel from 6-7 pm. It was so much fun! About 20 girls showed up and we mostly played games and worked on introducing ourselves. I always have pictures of my family on me as these have been most useful and I pull them out at least once a day, either just to share or for teaching purposes. (Random aside-dear parents, Joce, Suzie, and Jackie and Mark-I have shown pictures of you all to almost every person I've met in India. They actually know you by name and ask about how you're doing! So please know that literally hundreds of children in local schools and at the college have seen your photos and know who you are! Isn't that wild?!)

A really dear moment: At this class, we played a game where you say what your name is and then something you like that starts with the first letter of your name, i.e. "My name is Claudia and I like cats." After I had finished explaining this to the girls and was confident they understood the premise, the first girl went, and she boldly said, "My name is Sumita, and I love Jesus!" My heart almost burst! I will never forget that moment, and how boldly she confidently she said it! Unfortunately, because she was first, I had to explain to her that the thing she loved had to start with an "s," but we kept "Jesus" in there, and for the rest of the game Sumita's line was "My name is Sumita, and I love Jesus and sunshine!"

On Tuesday, after teaching the Faculty Voice Training class, I had my very first day of teaching at Baker School. Baker School is a nearby school for girls, many of whom come from an underprivileged background. There are about 1500 girls that attend, from ages 5 to 17. This is a place where the volunteers have traditionally served and I will be going one day a week to teach. I taught four communicative English classes and two music classes from grades 5-8.

Please just imagine this day with me: first of all, I couldn't move anywhere because there were literally girls crowding around me smiling at me ALL DAY. Even at the end of teaching a class they would just come up to my desk and stand there and surround me, smiling! They were all dressed in uniform and wore yellow ribbons at the bottom of neat braids, hundreds and hundreds of them! I carried a globe around with me to each class to show them where I'm from, and a lot of them thought the word 'Pittsburgh' was really funny. We worked on introducing ourselves-our name, age, family, and maybe some hobbies, too. Each class had about 40-50 kids in it-overwhelming! Because of the unexpected large class size, some of my activities would not work, so I had to continually adapt as I taught. They stood as soon as I entered the class and always stood when they addressed me; I had to continually insist that they stayed seated and just speak up! They were fascinated by my family photos and practically knocked one another down trying to see them. In general, they answered me very loudly as a group and then were practically inaudible when I asked them the same question individually-informal class participation and discussion is a rather new concept. Most classes were very noisy and giggly, but extremely respectful and very easy to manage, considering the size. It was sometimes hard to keep them quiet but they responded to my 'classroom management tactics' almost instantly. Their gazes never left me. I kind of felt like I could've stood in front of them and counted to a thousand and they would have watched with interest. I quickly discovered what the letters after the class name meant-A,B,C, and D are their levels of English comprehension. The A and B classes responded relatively well to my exercises but the C class had very minimal understanding. In general, I found that the students were very sweet, incredibly respectful, and VERY shy-they really needed to be prompted and encouraged to reply!

The best part of the day was the music class I taught before lunch, which was comprised of EIGHTY students. 80 ten to thirteen-year-olds! Oh my goodness! The Lord gave me peace very quickly and surprisingly I didn't feel any fear whatsoever. I taught them the song "I Like to Sing," a very short, simple song, and only that song, for forty-five minutes-that's how intense their attention span was and how long it took them to learn the song! They watched me impeccably and tried SO hard to learn the song. There was no misbehaviour whatsoever-they were absolutely precious students! I couldn't believe how smoothly this class went-thank you, Lord!!

Here's a video of the kids singing "I Like to Sing," (just a few seconds of it):

Other firsts-first time crossing the street by myself. You might think that that is funny, but let me tell you, crossing the street here is REALLY hard to do. There is constant traffic. I waited almost 5 whole minutes just trying to cross-you literally have to dodge between cars sometimes to cross the road here-it's pretty scary! (We YAVs affectionately refer to it as Frogger.) I have also gone out on my own to the bakery for the first time, walked from town by myself for the first time, and even went on my own to pick up a new churidar by myself. These small things feel like huge accomplishments to me.

Wednesday-I led my first-ever choir retreat! The choir was from Jerusalem Marthoma Church in Kottayam, a 60-member choir, comprised mostly of youth. I led them from 10am-4pm in a variety of subjects: vocal training, breathing exercises, warm-ups, Kodaly rhythm training, and training in following conducting and some music fundamentals. I'm finding in general that things just take longer to teach here than in the states, because most of it is all new information to them, and also I have to talk very slowly. In the afternoon, we learned the parts to a Bach chorale and worked on it, trying to incorporate what we'd learned in the morning. I couldn't believe I had enough material to teach from 10 to 4! I received a lot of positive feedback from the choir members and made lots of new friends-it was a pretty awesome day. I became attached to the choir very quickly and was very proud of the progress they made, and very thankful for their feedback. I look forward to doing more work like this with other choirs and more work with this choir in particular.

Other firsts that day: First Indian birthday party, and first mail received from home! Thank you so much!!!!!

New friends from the choir retreat :)

Here's a video of me leading the choir in a Bach chorale, "How Brightly Shines the Morning Star," at the end of the retreat:

Thursday: first time as a judge of a competition. CMS held a vocal quartet competition in memory of a choir member who recently passed away from cancer, an event called "Quadramonium." 25 vocal quartets from Kerala and a couple of places outside of Kerala came to compete, and I was one of three judges of the competition! This was a huge honor, as the other judges were very much my seniors and have years of experience. We sat at a judges' table with clipboards and listened to each group, awarding points. Each quartet had to sing one common song and then a song of their choice. Fortunately, all three judges had unanimous scoring as to the top 3 quartets. After some deliberation, we announced the winners and awarded the prizes. And then, I was asked to give a brief speech in front of everyone there-surprise!

Here are some pictures from the competition:

With fellow judges Abey Sir and his brother Poonoos Matthew at the Judges' Table

Listening to one of the quartets

Awarding prizes at the end

Friday: first bus ride alone, first truly frustrating day. I traveled to Chertala, over an hour away, to help out with some training for a Western music competition. I had no idea what this meant. When I showed up, I found three students that needed help learning the songs for the competition, which were:
2 Backstreet Boys songs, Final Countdown, and a Michael Jackson song. Oh boy.
I tried my hardest to do vocal training with them, but this was kind of a failure. I tried to teach them the songs-they had no music and didn't have the words. After learning one Backstreet Boys song, I decided that we should learn some simpler songs, so we spent the rest of the morning and afternoon working on some easy worship songs.At three pm that day, their father came in to tell me that he had just called to check with the judges and that devotional songs were not allowed. Gah. Trying hard not to show my frustration, I scrambled to find some folk songs for them off the top of my head. I left them unsure of their music and the songs they'd be singing for the competition and feeling like much of much of the day was wasted. But I know it wasn't, and God had His specific purposes for this day.

It is very important to experience frustration as well as the joys of successful endeavors, lest I become too reliant on my own strength. For in my weakness, He is strong. It was a trying day, but the Lord led me through.

I realize that this has been an extremely long post. Now I'd like to close with some prayer requests:

1) PLEASE continue to pray against my anxiety. Satan will NOT have this victory. Though I have been in many awesome circumstances and am in a great place having great opportunities, I am still not feeling well and still having some really hard days anxiety-wise. I have some really good days and some really hard days where I just want to be home. The Lord's blessings are so abundant, and He is bigger than my feelings. Even though my experiences have been wonderful, my emotions have not corresponded with them as they should. I am still having rather inconvenient and embarrassing random crying spells. We will get this sorted out, but until then, please pray for my mood to be stabilized, for the anxiety to cease, and for me to be able to experience the joy of all that is happening around me, which I feel kind of aside from. I anticipate His healing. Please keep praying against this anxiety. Your words of encouragement mean so very much right now.

2) Please pray for my vocal health. In all of these days of teaching and talking all day, it's been easy to lose my voice. Pray for wisdom for what to participate in and what to cut out of for my vocal health.

3) Please pray for Gig Sir's family-Gigi's brother-in-law's brother experienced brain hemorrhaging about a week ago and is in critical condition. Pray for the Lord's victory to be manifested in this circumstance, and for His peace to just transcend upon every member of this family.

4) Pray for me to develop "Kingdom Eyes." India can really feel like an assault to the senses, especially to the eyes. I am continually seeing much that I don't understand and many things that don't make sense to me, which is stressful and overwhelming. I am also continually stared at by many people. This was fine at first, but it gets old, and when it's a lot of people it can get very overwhelming. Please pray that I might see Him in the midst of all the confusion and find peace amidst the chaos of my new culture. Pray that I might seek and see His face.

Know that I am praying for you all, as well. GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME! ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD, especially today.
I love you all and miss you dearly.

First YAV Retreat

Dear friends-

Last week we had our first retreat together with all four YAVs and with Achen, Betty Kochamma, and Achen's friend Joy Joseph. Binu joined us on Friday. We met at CMS College on Thursday, September 29th, and stayed for three nights at the nearby Sophia Centre, part of the Old Seminary in Kottayam. We spent the weekend fellowshipping together and sharing about our own and one another's challenges and experiences, spending time in Bible study and prayer, and enjoying being with one another. On Friday, we were invited into Korah Sir, the principal's office, where a welcome reception was held for us and we had a chance to introduce ourselves to the faculty.

One of the very important things that came out of this past weekend was a GREAT appreciation of my site, CMS College. As we walked around the college and around town, I recognized and said hello to many people, and it began to hit me, "Wow, this is really my new home! I'm no longer a stranger here." With each passing day I am gaining a great appreciation of where I am placed-I could not have asked for a better placement. I live at a terrific hostel where I am very comfortable and get to hang out with 140 fun and wonderful girls, I have the friendship and support of many wonderful faculty, I have two incredibly selfless and wonderful supervisors...I can speak English most of the time and be understood by people. I have a variety of activities to engage in and many places in which to use my gifts. I have activity, variety, friendship, deep and open communication, and I am completely open and genuine with my supervisors and new friends. I really couldn't ask for more. I am so thankful for where I am placed.

Let me tell you a little bit about what we did. In the afternoon, we had a YAV excursion with all four of us that involved 4 different rickshaw rides with all 4 of us crammed into one rickshaw. It was hilarious! We got lost, went to a bakery, asked for directions, and bought Nicole a guitar from the same store I bought my violin from. (I forgot to mention earlier that Gigi Sir was very kind shortly after I arrived at CMS to take me violin shopping! I am so continually blessed by his great kindness to me and have been using my new violin frequently!) We also had the opportunity to visit the home of the Bishop of the Central Kerala Diocese later that evening, and to share a song on Sunday morning at the CSI Ascension Church. All four of us and Binu sang an Enligh translation of the Malayalam hymn, "Ninte Hitham." What a blessing it was to share this song with the congregation!

On Saturday we were blessed to have a wonderful session on teaching Communicative English presented to us by one of the English faculty, Jecko, and his wife, Ann. In the evening all of us enjoyed an incredibly beautiful ride on the backwaters of Kerala in Kumarakom, a famous place. It was a breathtaking experience...

It took awhile for us to get to the actual backwaters; before we reached them we floated through the canals. What incredible glimpses of life! We saw the people living along the canal in and out of the water, washing their clothes, swimming, smiling children waving to us as we drifted by...We stopped for a coconut break where we drank and ate fresh coconuts. And then we passed rice paddies and entered into the open backwaters-glorious, open water beneath a dazzling sunset. We sat on top of the boat the entire time in the sunshine, talking and laughing, watching the houseboats in the distance.

After some time in out in the open, palm trees silhouetted by the sunset all round us, we turned back into the canals, and this time the sky was filled with bright pink and golden hues. The bright, vibrant colors, the children splashing in the water, the old women doing their laundry, dipping reds and yellows into the glimmering waters...it was stunning. We passed under many low bridges, having to duck each time we passed underneath.

This was one of my favorite moments so far in India. I was so in awe of this, the Lord's creation. At one point, I was standing on top of the boat with my arms up and the breeze in my hair, and I felt the peace of the Lord settle on me deeply. He has brought me here to this beautiful land, Kerala, God's Own Country, that I may grow in knowledge of Him, that I might abound in depth and insight into His love for me and for His people. It has been a challenge to come so far away and a challenge to adjust. Moments like this I hold onto tightly, knowing that I am here by the Lord's hand and He alone steadies me.