Where can I go from your spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go to the heavens, you are there,
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea
Even then Your hand will guide me
Your right will hold me fast.
From Psalm 139
There is a reason that there was a long break in between my blogs earlier, and that only now am I detailing the events of our final days of orientation and of my arrival at CMS, where I've been for almost a whole week.
How awesome it is to be on this side of the valley and to thank you all so much for your prayers during this challenging time, and I would ask for your continued prayers.
As I previously posted, last weekend was our last days of orientation. At some point in there I began to experience some anxiety and stopped sleeping. I think this is because of a continual uprooting that's been happening. I am a person who attaches quickly and does not let go lightly. I left home almost a month ago, being completely uprooted from my home and family, where I came to New York for a week with the other YAVs and got settled in there, putting down roots and forming relationships. And then that was uprooted, and it then became the community of just the India YAVs and Achen's family at his house. Somewhere in all of that continual trying to put down roots and having to be uprooted yet again, I developed some anxiety.
We arrived at our sites on Monday morning after trying to register with the state department, and I bid farewell to my teammates and to Achen. I was completely exhausted, having not slept and spent all day meeting people and moving in, and just couldn't wait to be alone to sleep. But sleep never came, and not for the next two nights either.
I did my best to attend meals, to attend what I was to go to, and to meet everyone, but eventually I had to keep lying down more and more because of how dizzy and exhausted I was. By Wednesday, I really couldn't do anything except eat and lay in my bed, too tired to even finish thoughts or converse with people. Even though I was utterly and completely exhausted, I could not find sleep.
It was kind of a scary place to be (not to mention inconvenient when one is supposed to be meeting lots of people and going around to lots of things!) I hadn't struggled with this issue in a long time and didn't think it would crop up here.
But I have to tell you: though this was a difficult period, I can't believe how visible the Lord's hand was in all of it.
First of all, even though it was initially anxiety that triggered the insomnia, after that I experienced hardly any anxiety. Usually this kind of sleeplessness would really shake me and result in panic. But night after night I listened to music, tried to read, and just clung to God's word, and repeated Scripture to myself in my head when I couldn't keep my eyes open to read it, and His deep peace settled in my heart. I knew the entire time that even though I was in pretty bad shape that God's hand was upon me. I have never experienced such a deep peace during a period like this-it was straight from Him.
Secondly, how can I begin to express the gratitude towards those who took care of me: Ann and Gigi Sir, my supervisors. They were there to hold my hand, to take me around to buy whatever I needed, and checked on me constantly. I felt really safe in their hands and opened up immediately to them about my issue instead of trying to deal with it on my own. They were very understanding and kind, insisting that I eat, and helping me to go to as much as I could, but also respecting my need of rest.
On Wednesday, we decided it was time to do something since I still hadn't slept, and so Achen arranged an appointment for me with a doctor he's friends with in Kottayam. Ann and Gigi Sir spent their entire afternoon waiting at the doctors with me, as did fellow teammate, Nicole. These people, and many others, bent over backwards to help me, time and time again, so that I could be well. What an incredible manifestation of grace! I was given a prescription, and as we were driving back from the doctor's, there was a special moment, one of many these past few days that I vaguely remember but that was really special.
We were driving in Gigi Sir's car, and he stopped to pick up some things I needed, insisting on buying them for me. And as we were driving he turned on his music player in his car, and it was a violin, playing the hymn "Morning Has Broken." And just as I was thinking it, Gigi Sir said, "We'll have to buy you a violin soon!" Let me tell you, that music was like a balm to my soul. It was like God saying loudly to me, "Claudia! I'm right here! I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you!" So here I was, careening through these crazy crowded streets, having not slept for four days, and singing along to these hymns, happy as can be. I just felt extreme joy in my heart-joy beyond circumstance, joy beyond exhaustion, deep joy that didn't make any sense because it comes only from Him and Him alone. I felt like laughing, because God had the victory!
I can't express in words what it feels like to find yourself in such caring hands, to find yourself in a completely foreign land, to be so tired that you can barely stand, to have escaped anxiety, to be in this little car playing hymns amidst the honking horns, and to be singing, and to just be ridiculously happy.
God is just so good, ALL the time. His hand never left me, not for one moment. And I've seen Him so clearly in Ann and in Gigi Sir and in all the girls at the hostel, who came and visited me just to smile and meet me, in Korah Sir, the principal of the college, who called me to wish me a good night's sleep, in all of your messages from home spurring me on...His fingerprints have been everywhere.
Moments like these last forever. I remember laying on my bed, exhausted, waiting for Ann and Rinsy and Sheni to come and get me for dinner. And as I was laying there, I realized that I now had friends. And that this was exactly like how I used to wait for friends to come and get me for dinner in college. And I closed my eyes, a gentle breeze blowing through the room, and the voices that gently called my name could have just as easily been Suzie's, or Zeb's, or Em's. And suddenly I thought, "This feels familiar. This is my new home." It made me deeply happy.
I remember another moment, the day after I arrived at Lea Hostel, and it was my first time to dinner. I was dizzily tired, but eating near Ann and my dear new friends Rinsy and Sheni. At dinner here, the girls must be silent. And so the entire meal was just rows of girls glancing over at me and smiling, and it was everything I could do to not burst out laughing. Each smile warmed my heart. We couldn't communicate, not yet at least, and yet their smiles meant a thousand words apiece. I don't think they know how badly I needed those smiles or how much they meant to me right then.
And after dinner, we went outside into the courtyard, where there is a big swing in celebration of Onam. Someone motioned that I should try it, and I thought, "Oh, why not?" And when I sat down on the swing, there was thunderous applause from every girl, watching from her window or door!!!!! And I swung, higher and higher, crying with laughter, deeper and deeper into every smile and the fragrant air and touching the tip of God's great sky.
Healing. Peace.
Abandoning my anxiety far below me on the ground...
If we suffer in this world, from anxiety or whatever it is, it is a privilege to suffer it in Christ's name. It is a privilege, an honor to be sleepless, to be uncomfortable, yet to remain in Him. To be in a new land, and to feel momentarily alone and afraid, but to be always with Him. Because our sufferings are so brief! Too brief to even think much on! I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us! says Paul in Romans 8:18! We are joyful in our sufferings! says Paul. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-6. AMEN AND AMEN!
Christ has conquered! The victory is already won, so who am I to linger in anxiety? For if God is for us, then who can be against us?
My friends, thanks be to God for His mighty healing. Since then, I have been resting deep and well, and sleeping amazingly. I am still on medication that is assisting me, but I am on a lower dosage now and I would appreciate your prayers very much for the ability to quickly get off this medication and to sleep normally. I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and messages to me, they mean so very much to me at this time.
Lord, I can't thank you enough for how greatly you manifested Yourself through this time of trial. Your hand never once left me. You put me into the hands of people who took care of me, who took me exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. I can't do anything on my own here. I can't eat, I can't even cross the street on my own. Thank you for this weakness. Thank you that I so continually need the help of others. Thank you for Your great strength in my weakness, and for never for a second abandoning me. Thank you for this, my new home, and my new family, who all look a lot like You.
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go to the heavens, you are there,
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea
Even then Your hand will guide me
Your right will hold me fast.
From Psalm 139
There is a reason that there was a long break in between my blogs earlier, and that only now am I detailing the events of our final days of orientation and of my arrival at CMS, where I've been for almost a whole week.
How awesome it is to be on this side of the valley and to thank you all so much for your prayers during this challenging time, and I would ask for your continued prayers.
As I previously posted, last weekend was our last days of orientation. At some point in there I began to experience some anxiety and stopped sleeping. I think this is because of a continual uprooting that's been happening. I am a person who attaches quickly and does not let go lightly. I left home almost a month ago, being completely uprooted from my home and family, where I came to New York for a week with the other YAVs and got settled in there, putting down roots and forming relationships. And then that was uprooted, and it then became the community of just the India YAVs and Achen's family at his house. Somewhere in all of that continual trying to put down roots and having to be uprooted yet again, I developed some anxiety.
We arrived at our sites on Monday morning after trying to register with the state department, and I bid farewell to my teammates and to Achen. I was completely exhausted, having not slept and spent all day meeting people and moving in, and just couldn't wait to be alone to sleep. But sleep never came, and not for the next two nights either.
I did my best to attend meals, to attend what I was to go to, and to meet everyone, but eventually I had to keep lying down more and more because of how dizzy and exhausted I was. By Wednesday, I really couldn't do anything except eat and lay in my bed, too tired to even finish thoughts or converse with people. Even though I was utterly and completely exhausted, I could not find sleep.
It was kind of a scary place to be (not to mention inconvenient when one is supposed to be meeting lots of people and going around to lots of things!) I hadn't struggled with this issue in a long time and didn't think it would crop up here.
But I have to tell you: though this was a difficult period, I can't believe how visible the Lord's hand was in all of it.
First of all, even though it was initially anxiety that triggered the insomnia, after that I experienced hardly any anxiety. Usually this kind of sleeplessness would really shake me and result in panic. But night after night I listened to music, tried to read, and just clung to God's word, and repeated Scripture to myself in my head when I couldn't keep my eyes open to read it, and His deep peace settled in my heart. I knew the entire time that even though I was in pretty bad shape that God's hand was upon me. I have never experienced such a deep peace during a period like this-it was straight from Him.
Secondly, how can I begin to express the gratitude towards those who took care of me: Ann and Gigi Sir, my supervisors. They were there to hold my hand, to take me around to buy whatever I needed, and checked on me constantly. I felt really safe in their hands and opened up immediately to them about my issue instead of trying to deal with it on my own. They were very understanding and kind, insisting that I eat, and helping me to go to as much as I could, but also respecting my need of rest.
On Wednesday, we decided it was time to do something since I still hadn't slept, and so Achen arranged an appointment for me with a doctor he's friends with in Kottayam. Ann and Gigi Sir spent their entire afternoon waiting at the doctors with me, as did fellow teammate, Nicole. These people, and many others, bent over backwards to help me, time and time again, so that I could be well. What an incredible manifestation of grace! I was given a prescription, and as we were driving back from the doctor's, there was a special moment, one of many these past few days that I vaguely remember but that was really special.
We were driving in Gigi Sir's car, and he stopped to pick up some things I needed, insisting on buying them for me. And as we were driving he turned on his music player in his car, and it was a violin, playing the hymn "Morning Has Broken." And just as I was thinking it, Gigi Sir said, "We'll have to buy you a violin soon!" Let me tell you, that music was like a balm to my soul. It was like God saying loudly to me, "Claudia! I'm right here! I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you!" So here I was, careening through these crazy crowded streets, having not slept for four days, and singing along to these hymns, happy as can be. I just felt extreme joy in my heart-joy beyond circumstance, joy beyond exhaustion, deep joy that didn't make any sense because it comes only from Him and Him alone. I felt like laughing, because God had the victory!
I can't express in words what it feels like to find yourself in such caring hands, to find yourself in a completely foreign land, to be so tired that you can barely stand, to have escaped anxiety, to be in this little car playing hymns amidst the honking horns, and to be singing, and to just be ridiculously happy.
God is just so good, ALL the time. His hand never left me, not for one moment. And I've seen Him so clearly in Ann and in Gigi Sir and in all the girls at the hostel, who came and visited me just to smile and meet me, in Korah Sir, the principal of the college, who called me to wish me a good night's sleep, in all of your messages from home spurring me on...His fingerprints have been everywhere.
Moments like these last forever. I remember laying on my bed, exhausted, waiting for Ann and Rinsy and Sheni to come and get me for dinner. And as I was laying there, I realized that I now had friends. And that this was exactly like how I used to wait for friends to come and get me for dinner in college. And I closed my eyes, a gentle breeze blowing through the room, and the voices that gently called my name could have just as easily been Suzie's, or Zeb's, or Em's. And suddenly I thought, "This feels familiar. This is my new home." It made me deeply happy.
I remember another moment, the day after I arrived at Lea Hostel, and it was my first time to dinner. I was dizzily tired, but eating near Ann and my dear new friends Rinsy and Sheni. At dinner here, the girls must be silent. And so the entire meal was just rows of girls glancing over at me and smiling, and it was everything I could do to not burst out laughing. Each smile warmed my heart. We couldn't communicate, not yet at least, and yet their smiles meant a thousand words apiece. I don't think they know how badly I needed those smiles or how much they meant to me right then.
And after dinner, we went outside into the courtyard, where there is a big swing in celebration of Onam. Someone motioned that I should try it, and I thought, "Oh, why not?" And when I sat down on the swing, there was thunderous applause from every girl, watching from her window or door!!!!! And I swung, higher and higher, crying with laughter, deeper and deeper into every smile and the fragrant air and touching the tip of God's great sky.
Healing. Peace.
Abandoning my anxiety far below me on the ground...
If we suffer in this world, from anxiety or whatever it is, it is a privilege to suffer it in Christ's name. It is a privilege, an honor to be sleepless, to be uncomfortable, yet to remain in Him. To be in a new land, and to feel momentarily alone and afraid, but to be always with Him. Because our sufferings are so brief! Too brief to even think much on! I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us! says Paul in Romans 8:18! We are joyful in our sufferings! says Paul. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-6. AMEN AND AMEN!
Christ has conquered! The victory is already won, so who am I to linger in anxiety? For if God is for us, then who can be against us?
My friends, thanks be to God for His mighty healing. Since then, I have been resting deep and well, and sleeping amazingly. I am still on medication that is assisting me, but I am on a lower dosage now and I would appreciate your prayers very much for the ability to quickly get off this medication and to sleep normally. I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and messages to me, they mean so very much to me at this time.
Lord, I can't thank you enough for how greatly you manifested Yourself through this time of trial. Your hand never once left me. You put me into the hands of people who took care of me, who took me exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. I can't do anything on my own here. I can't eat, I can't even cross the street on my own. Thank you for this weakness. Thank you that I so continually need the help of others. Thank you for Your great strength in my weakness, and for never for a second abandoning me. Thank you for this, my new home, and my new family, who all look a lot like You.
It is always reassuring to hear just how well you seem to be able to make friends and connections all around you. You truly have a gift for that Claudia. And I continue to pray that you receive some overdue rest, I know it will come. You got through it last time and I know it will happen again.
ReplyDeleteMay God bless you and keep you safe and keep you well rested. Be safe Claudia
-Chris J.